Episode 103: How To Stop People Pleasing & Accelerate Your Career On Your Own Terms
Calling all recovering people pleasers!
As a woman who spent 30 years of her life people-pleasing, Erin will take you on a mindfulness journey to rid you of the people-pleasing paradigm she (accidentally) built for herself.
In today’s episode, you’ll hear reasons WHY we people please, HOW we people please, and then she will provide you with three ways to STOP doing it. Spoiler alert: these are tangible tips so have a pen and paper ready.
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Connect with Erin Diehl:
Erin Diehl is the founder and Chief “Yes, And” officer of improve it! and host of the improve it! Podcast. She’s a performer, facilitator and professional risk-taker who lives by the mantra, “get comfortable with the uncomfortable.” Through a series of unrelated dares, Erin has created improve it!, a unique professional development company that pushes others to laugh, learn and grow. Her work with clients such as United Airlines, PepsiCo, Groupon, Deloitte, Motorola, Walgreens, and The Obama Foundation earned her the 2014 Chicago RedEye Big Idea Award and has nominated her for the 2015-2019 Chicago Innovations Award.
This graduate from Clemson University is a former experiential marketing and recruiting professional as well as a veteran improviser from the top improvisational training programs in Chicago, including The Second City, i.O. Theater, and The Annoyance Theatre.
When she is not playing pretend or facilitating, she enjoys running and beach dates with her husband and son, and their eight-pound toy poodle, BIGG Diehl.
You can follow the failed it! podcast on Instagram @learntoimproveit and facebook, and you can follow Erin personally on Instagram @keepinitrealdiehl here. You can also check out improve it! and how we can help your organization at www.learntoimproveit.com. We can’t wait to connect with you online!
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Episode 103 Transcription
Erin (00:01):
Improve it! Fam I know you, you are a leader in your organization and you've realized that you need to up level your professional presence and pay particular attention to the power skills that could Excel your career. But you're having trouble finding a group of like at lifelong learners who can cheer on your growth and a learning methodology that will keep you intrigued and wanting to learn more. As a result, you remain stagnant and you watch your peers soar in their careers. While you try to piece together fragments of leadership tools by Googling, reading, blur, business books, and attending conferences that leave you with a lot of ideas, but no plan on how to implement. You're looking for a support system, a virtual mentor and cheerleader, an outside of the box and interactive approach to learning skills that can help you fast track career success.
Erin (01:01):
I am personally inviting you to the first ever improve it virtual mastermind. This mastermind will give you the support, confidence, creativity, and bravery that you will need to up level your power skills and create next level growth in your career all while infusing last levity and positivity. Duh, here is what you get a six month master mind program each month, you're going to get one live power skill workshop, an e-learning course post workshop that reinforces the learning a 60 minute account call with members of your cohort and masterminds and an ongoing slack community to share the wins, the best practices and receive an offer support on a daily and weekly basis. Oh my gosh. I would love to have you in this mastermind as a listener of the show, our application process starts on March 30th, 2022. It is application only. So you'll see a link to the application on our show notes. Click that link apply today. The cohort starts at the beginning of May, 2022, and we'll end at the end of October, 2022. Come join the other members of the improved family, create connection and use your creativity for good to accelerate your career growth. You'll find the link to the apply in the show notes. I hope to see you and the improve it mastermind.
Erin (02:49):
Are you a leader or change maker inside of your business organization or corporation? Are you looking for new innovative ways to drive morale through the roof? Are you looking for fun and exciting icebreakers team building exercises and activities that will foster team growth, friendships, loyalty, and completely transform your organization from the inside out? Have you been searching for a fun and unique way to create change instead of the same old dry, boring leadership books and nice breakers that aren't actually working? Hi, I'm Erin Diehl, business improv, entertainer fail fluid, sir, and professional zoomie who is ready to help you improve it. My mission in life is to help you develop team and leaders through play improv and experiential learning. In this podcast, we will deep dive into professional development team building effective communication, networking, presentation, skills, leadership training, how to think more quickly on your feet and everything in between. We have helped everyone from fortune 500 companies to small mom and pop shops transform their business, their leadership, and their people through play. So grab your chicken hat. We are about to have some fun, welcome to improve it. The podcast.
Erin (04:24):
Improve it! family. Oh, have I got an episode for you first and foremost? My album drops. No it doesn't. There's no album. I digress. I will stay on task because today my friends, my improve it! family, I'm talking about something that I know is plaguing me, has plagued me for so long. And I thought to myself, if this is something that I am struggling with, man, I know you, the improved fam is struggling with it too. As you know this, we've been here for a while. Now I call myself a recovering perfectionist turned #failfluencer, but what also falls into the, this perfectionist category for me is this need to people please. Oh, Ugh. When I say those two words together, I'm like gross. Why? Why do you do that? Well, the answer is, I know why I use to do that. And I now know the patterns that made me fall into this people pleasing trap.
Erin (05:47):
That's a tongue twister, people pleasing trap. And I now know how to get myself out of that rat race when it comes to people pleasing and how to move myself forward. So today's show is going to be super tangible. I'm gonna guide you through a step by step process on how to stop people pleasing. If you are Patty or Paul, the people plays our, this show is for you. So as I was thinking about my people pleasing journey, and let's just say it's been real. I think back to my late twenties. So spoiler alert, I'm 38 soon to be 39. I will have to see when this episode airs may already be 39. However, in my late twenties, I was going, doing, being everything to every person. I was trying to be a great friend, a great employee at the recruiting firm I worked at at the time, a great fiance, then a great wife, a great daughter, a great sister.
Erin (06:57):
The list goes on and on and I wanted to be great at each one of those roles. Now here's the deal back then I would, somebody asked me to do something and I didn't think twice, I'd be like, yeah, let's do that. Even if I didn't wanna go, if my boss was like, Hey, can you go to this networking event? And it sounded like the worst thing ever. I was like, yes, of course I will do that. Or if my friend was like, Hey, will you come with me to this thing? Or will you stay out late with me tonight? Just for one more drink, I would say yes, cuz you know why I didn't want them to feel bad. So this was again, my late twenties and I came up with the idea for improve it when I was about, I, I wanna say 28 or 29, but I, I stayed put with the idea because John and I were getting married and I knew I wanted to put my effort and time into that.
Erin (07:50):
So as I started to really immerse myself in building this company and building what a is my life's calling, I started to really feel guilty all the time. When I said no to anybody who was used to me doing something with them at a moment's notice. So I remember, you know, people would be like, can you hang out Friday? And I'd be like, yeah, even though I had plans to do work or to have an improv class on Saturday, I would still do it. Because if I had just a little bit of white space on my calendar, I would commit because I thought they wanted me to do it. And they would be disappointed in me if I didn't do that thing for them. Do you hear how it's all about them? Right. So I knew that improve it! was my life's calling and it would be the biggest regret of my entire life if I didn't start this business.
Erin (08:52):
If I was going to work from eight 30 to five 30, leaving work, going to an improv class or rehearsal or a show and then getting a up and doing work. And then that same thing the next day, or if I didn't have improv that night, I'd be thinking about the website for improve it. The logo, the colors, all of those things. I knew that things had to give that I couldn't show up in social scenarios or I couldn't go to every event after work or I couldn't take on that extra project. Like I used to. So I started to put boundaries in place and with all the things going on in my life, I had so little free time I'm talking about like, I didn't have time to claim, which I love to clean.
Erin (09:58):
Did not have time to clean, barely saw my new husband. Okay. And I really had to only choose things that brought me joy. And that made me happy. So let me say this. I wanted to give you that backstory because I spent 30 years of my life being a constant people, pleaser. I would do things I didn't wanna do. I would go places I would show up and say yes to volunteering, to do things like, you know, bringing a casserole, which fun fact I'll tell you about that later. I am not a cast year old person. Okay. I would, I would over commit and overwhelm myself. So I wanna start it off today with that story just so you can understand the journey that I went through. And I'm gonna tell you where I'm at nine years later. Now this is a cool from Kara Allwell, who is a fantastic woman, entrepreneur.
Erin (11:05):
She has a fantastic Instagram feed at champagne diet. Okay. And I saw her post this post and quote about two months ago. And I saved it for this episode because cuz I knew this just spoke to me so much. So it's going to speak to you. So I'm gonna read it word for word. It says, I don't know who needs to hear this, but people pleasing is a form of control. It's the act of manipulating the way someone sees you by doing things you really don't wanna do in the consequence is so abandonment. When we fully own who we are. And when we're not afraid to say what we need, we are set free from this cycle. You will never have complete control over the way people view you. You will never control whether or not someone approves of you likes you or loves you. What you can control is the way you live your own life. The choices you make, the boundaries you set and ultimately your own happiness. It's time to honor who you are and what you need. Thank you, Cara. Yes, yes, yes.
Erin (12:19):
That quote spoke to me that post I'm saving it forever because it really is time to honor who you are and honor what you need improve it fam this is an episode that you clicked for a reason you hit play because you need to hear this today. So we're gonna dive a little bit deeper. I'm gonna give you some tips and tricks on how to stop people pleasing. I love what Kara said in that too, but I also really, it makes me think about the way that we people please, and sort of what, how happens to our brain when we people please we're doing it because we want them to like us. It's almost like a little dopamine hit that you get when you post something and you get that like online. It's like, oh, if I do this thing, so, and so's gonna like me, if I do this thing.
Erin (13:09):
So, and so is gonna ask me to do more things with them or gonna let me in this social or I'll be set up for this promotion, whatever it is we're doing it because we want a dopamine hit. It's like a drug and we keep needing to do it. And over time, if we abuse drugs, we know that they will cause us pain and suffering and that pain can be both physical pain and more importantly, emotional pain. And it doesn't allow us to accomplish our goals. It actually stops us completely for getting anything done. So people pleasing is a drug. You keep doing it time after time because you think you're getting that hit that dopamine to your brain. Because what you're doing is you're actually trying to get the other person to like you or to gain something from doing that. But in the end that drug is only hurting one person and that person is you.
Erin (14:15):
So I wanna break down a couple of things who we please, why we please? And how we please people. And then I'm gonna give you three ways to stop doing it. Okay. So who do we please? We, we try to please our friends. We try to please our boss. We try to please the C-suite in our organization. We try to please our neighbors, our family, our team. And we do this again because we think it's helpful. Why we do this. It's helpful. We think it's going to make that person feel good. So if you think about this, I have a two and a half year old as you know, and if you're new to the show, I have a two and a half year old. And I think about his day. And if I were to give him absolutely no structure in his day, how completely off the rails he would be like, it's almost like when we leave him with my parents, you know how grandparents just spoil kids and hand them back to you.
Erin (15:24):
That's what mine do. Love you, mom and dad. But literally if he had no set schedule, he had no structure. He would just be a complete maniac. But within the structure and schedule that we give him within the boundaries and the limits that we give him. He thrives, of course he's a toddler and he is a teenager and he continues to have emotional moments. But for the most part, he is such a great kid. And he really thrives in the day to day because he knows what comes next. He expects it. And if it's, and he's the type of kid, if it's off schedule, if it's not the right order, he'll tell you, right. We don't have to be that rigid as adults. But think about it like this. Why we do the people pleasing is all my, like why we live a life of no limits.
Erin (16:20):
We need schedules and limits to survive. And we need these boundaries placed in our life in order to thrive. So how do we people please? How does this keep happening? So we keep saying yes to things. When we mean to say, no, we do this all the time. I just did this this week when I don't really want to do something. And I say yes to work or events or parties or get togethers. It's like when people, you wanna have a party at your house, but you don't really feel like doing all the work to make that party happen. So you just don't do it. That's learning your boundaries and your limits, which we'll talk about in just a minute. But when you say yes to something, but you really mean, no, that's a true example of people pleasing. When you don't give feedback to your team because you don't wanna disrupt the peace or the culture, but the thing that you needed to give them feedback on keeps happening time and time and time again, they keep showing up late because you haven't had the proper conversation because you think, oh, such and such has got such and such going on, but this is really disrupting the team.
Erin (17:54):
I'm just gonna let it happen to such and such and see if it stops spoiler alert. It will never stop. They will keep doing it because they have pushed the limit. And they know they can't, that's people, pleasing people pleasing is signing up or volunteering to look like a good friend or a mom or whatever it is, insert, whatever it is when you really don't want to. Can you bring some cookies to this event for the classroom? And they have to be nuts free peanut butter, free sugar free and gluten free, please. Do you wanna do that? No, no, you do not. Or maybe you do. I don't. Okay. So that's an example of people pleasing. This is what I want you to think about. If it's not a hell, yes, it's a hell no, your time and your energy are not free. So I want you to give it wisely.
Erin (19:00):
If any of these things that I said to you today are triggering because they're true to you. Trust me when I say that I get you on so many levels on such a deep level that this was me. I mean, honestly, for 30 years of my life, I would constantly say yes to things I didn't wanna do until the thing that was my life's greatest calling came into play and I realized I don't have time and energy to do all of it. I can't do all of it. Or I'm literally never going to sleep and I'm gonna be an awful human. I'm gonna be like my toddler with no schedule. I'm going to be insane. And I'm not gonna get anything done or be productive because I'm constantly giving my energy to time and to things that don't matter. So here's what I want you to do first.
Erin (19:52):
Here's how to stop people pleasing. I want you to get outta sheet of paper and I want you to take notes. I'm serious right now. I mean this, if I've ever meant a time to take notes, I made it now. But what I really, even if it's on your phone, stop, put, put some note, paper down, pull out the notepad on your phone because this is so important. I want you to write down your top five priorities five. And if you only got three, that's fine, but your top five priorities and put them in sequential order. One being the most important thing in your life for me, I'll tell you mine. And I didn't even write these down. I'm just shooting the hip here. One is my family, my husband, my dog, my, my son, my immediate family, my parents, my siblings, my in-laws that's that's number one.
Erin (20:52):
Number two is my faith, which is my spirituality, which if you've listened to the show long enough, you know, I'm pretty. Woo woo. So that's number two. And those things could kind of go hand in hand for me. Number three is my work. This life is calling now. I've got friends that feel like family. So some of them go up a number one, but then comes my friends because I can't give to my friends without giving out who I am to the world first. And I'll talk about that in just a minute. And then number five is right. And the things that I do to rejuvenate myself. So rest and rejuvenation, those are my priorities. And if one of those five things are out of order or they feel like I'm not giving to one of those five things, that's okay, because you can't give to all five of those things at the same time or simultaneously, but here, how to feel like you have a little bit of control in what you do know, those five priorities. And then when you come across the situation, either you're saying yes to something. When you mean to say no, when you're not giving feedback, when you're doing something that you really don't wanna be doing, because you think it's gonna benefit somebody else. I want you to ask yourself these questions. Okay? In this order, number one, is it a hell yes or a hell? No.
Erin (22:25):
If it's a hell. Yes. All right. You can move forward. If it's a hell. No bye. Don't move on to step two. Don't move on into adventure. Number two. Okay. Do not open door two close door one. Thank you so much. And the way that you can say that you don't wanna do something, a lot of people say no is a full sentence. I'm gonna tell you that. I don't think that is correct. If there's something that's going on that you can't do. I like to say I yes. And way of responding a yes, and way looks like this. So let's say somebody asked me to an event and I cannot attend it, or I just don't want to thank you so much for the invite. I appreciate you thinking of me. Unfortunately. I'm not gonna be able to make this one. Keep me posted about next ones.
Erin (23:13):
If I want to attend another one, right? You don't have to tell them why you can't come, but make them feel good for asking you to come in the first place. That's the, the beauty of yes, and right there, acknowledging the ask and then responding in a way that authenticates it and makes the person feel heard scene. And you don't have to show up, but you made 'em feel good. So, okay. Again, step one. If it's a hell yes. Say open door two. If it's a hell, no. Close the door. And if it is a hell, yes. I want you to ask yourself the following questions. Do you have the time? And then question two. Do you have the energy to do it? So let's say you have an open slot on your calendar for that event. Yes, I can do the and oh, oh man.
Erin (24:06):
It's a Friday night. I'm usually wiped on Fridays, but this is with a group of my favorite people. I'll muster up the energy. I have time and I have some energy. I'm gonna do it. The third and final question. If you, if you continue to door number three, now don't have time and you don't have energy. Again. You go back to that “yes, and” response. Okay. If you have the time and the energy, I want you to ask yourself if I do this blank. So if I go to this event, I will feel blank. After if I do you, this blank, I will feel blank after. So in the blanks, your adjectives that you put in, or the nouns that you put in for what you're gonna do, the noun or the adjective should be positive. And if it is not positive, do not open the door.
Erin (25:11):
But usually if you've already filtered through a hell yes or hell no. And you've said, hell yes. If you filtered through the hell, yes. With do I have time and energy to do it pretty much the adjective and the no that you put in that final question is always gonna be positive because you've already said, or God, I wanna do this. You have the time you're gonna give the energy to do it. And then it's gonna be a positive experience. So if I go to this event, I will feel restored after I just went to a girl's weekend, a couple weekends ago with a bunch of my Chicago friends. I've known actually all through my twenties and some in college. And I had, it was a hell yes for me. I had the time I had the energy and I asked myself, if I go, how will I feel? And I was going to feel so restored. And I'll tell you what my heart felt so full. I needed that friendship time. I needed that time. Just lounging around, go, going on, hike, doing girly things, just enjoying each other's company. And I felt so rejuvenated from that. So that for me was a hell yes.
Erin (26:25):
So those questions are there for you to ask yourself any time you get yourself into a situation that feels like you're people pleasing. Because if it's a hell, no, you're just not gonna do it. All right. If the answer, if the energy that you feel about, whatever it is is in any way, taking away from those top five priorities, you're not gonna do it. You are not gonna do it. Boundaries are so important. I can't stress that enough. That are so important. I feel so. Be I feel more alive now because I feel like I have control in the way that I show up. So I'll say this now. I am not. I know this for sure. Okay. What I can tell you for sure. Here's Oprah. Oprah. Thanks is I'm not the craft mom. I definitely am not gonna be the mom in Jackson's class.
Erin (27:28):
Who brings crafts? That is not me. And I know that for a fact, I'm not gonna be the mom who brings the homemade casserole or the homemade desserts they're going to be store bought. And maybe I'll, I'll get crazy and put a Betty Crocker recipe together to said oil and water and an egg who knows tough to tell. So I make that expectation known my friends. No, don't put Erin on the food list. Don't put Erin on the crafts, but you know what she can do. She can make a mean schedule. She can, she can run a show like a producer. She can you show up with energy, right? I will tell you this one time I did spend all day in the kitchen. This was over holidays when I had some free time and I made sausage balls for an oyster roast. Mm-Hmm. did those things go hand in hand?
Erin (28:21):
They don't. But I thought for a second, I might be the friend who shows up with homemade things. And let me just, this, nobody wants sausage balls at an oyster roast. So never again. Will I ever spend four hours in my kitchen making sausage balls? That is not my jam. Some people love it. And that's exactly what they should be doing. Not me. I know when I show up, because I've filtered through these things, I've said, it's a hell yes, I have the time I have the energy and I know how I'm gonna feel after that. I will show up to whatever it is that somebody else has asked me to do with my full self. I'm gonna show up with positivity. I'm gonna show up and give all of my energy to the person that I'm talking to to make them feel important, to make them feel seen, to make them feel heard, because guess what?
Erin (29:19):
I'm not showing up because I felt compelled to, I am showing up because I want to now here's what you need to do in these situations. If you are asked to do something like bake casserole, make a craft, get yourself a friend who is a craft mom. One of my dear neighbors. She is crafty as all get out. I said, Sarah, guess what? You're my craft. Mom. I'll pay you. So if, if I ever have to make crafts, I'm outsourcing to Sarah. You need a great casserole. Guess what? Get yourself a friend who likes to bake. I've got a friend. Who's a food blogger. Boom. Next up, we're gonna go to Lauren's house down the street. And she's gonna help me with whatever casserole I have to make. And guess what? I'll buy all the ingredients and sit there while she makes it with wine and give her wine.
Erin (30:10):
Okay. Energy is so important. Don't give it away for free. If you don't want to do something, I know we all have family obligations. There's things that come up in life that we really don't want to do. And sometimes we have to do those things and there's a way to spin it in a perspective that allows us to think through what will get from it. So if there's something coming up in your life, that's an with family, which usually it's with family that you don't wanna do. If it is a hell, no, but you still have to go. I want you to ask yourself, could I spend my time and my energy there with somebody I really wanna chat with? And if I do that with that very specific person, how will I feel after these questions? These filters, this lens is here for you and it's translatable because sometimes we are gonna do things that we really don't wanna do because we have to do them.
Erin (31:21):
But in the situations where we don't have to do them, I want you to use this step by step process. So you can feel good about how you are spending your time. I believe in you improve it fam so much. And I know that you have so many things that you wanna accomplish. So many goals, so many things to learn. You are a lifelong learner. You want to continue to develop yourself personally, professionally. So don't let people pleasing get in the way of that. Do not allow yourself this opportunity to create boundaries and life so that you can continue to be the amazing person that you are. And when you do give your time and energy to something, you can show up in all that glory. If today's episode spoke to you, I want you to share this with somebody who needs to hear it. If you have a dear friend who is a people pleaser, and they know it, if you're a people pleaser and you know it, clap your hands, send it to them. I have a toddler. Remember that? That's why I did that. Okay. I don't just randomly sing. You've know me. Yes, I do. Please send it to 'em because this message is so important.
Erin (32:51):
Don't spend your life living for somebody else. Show up the way that you are and in a authentic way, that brings the best out of you and brings the best out of you to others. I believe in you. I know you can do it. Keep failing, cuz you're gonna fail at this. I'm just spoiler alert yet. Again, you're go. It's gonna happen. And you're gonna say yes. When you meant know, go back, try again, keep improving and just remember that the world needs that special. It that only you, you can bring, all right. I will see you here next week until then keep improving it.
Hey friends. Thanks for tuning in to improve it. I am so happy you were along for the ride. If you enjoyed this show, head on over to iTunes to leave us a five star review and subscribe to this show. So you never miss an episode. New episodes drop every Wednesday. Now, if you're really feeling to day show and you've improved it even just a little bit, please take a screenshot and tag me at keeping it real deal on Instagram and share it in your stories. I'll see you next week, but I wanna leave you with this thought, what did you improve today and how will that help your future successful self? Think about it. I am rooting for you and the world needs that special. It that only you can bring see you next time.