Episode 167: Setting Boundaries - An Improvisor's Guide to Saying No
In a world where we fear disappointing others no matter what the cost is – your job is to go through life disappointing as many people as it takes to prevent disappointing one person...
Yourself.
As a recovering people-pleaser and improvisor who’s reflex is to say, “Yes, and...” Erin gives you her #1 tip for setting boundaries and sticking to them – zero guilt included.
ICYMI – Your Post-Episode Homework: Send Erin a message (contact info below) about who/what you’re saying “no” to. Download the Wellness Workbook by taking the quiz (below) to create your own Wall of Nay like Erin mentioned in today’s show.
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Connect with Erin Diehl:
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Erin Diehl is the founder and Chief “Yes, And” officer of improve it! and host of the improve it! Podcast. She’s a performer, facilitator and professional risk-taker who lives by the mantra, “get comfortable with the uncomfortable.” Through a series of unrelated dares, Erin has created improve it!, a unique professional development company that pushes others to laugh, learn and grow. Her work with clients such as United Airlines, PepsiCo, Groupon, Deloitte, Motorola, Walgreens, and The Obama Foundation earned her the 2014 Chicago RedEye Big Idea Award and has nominated her for the 2015-2019 Chicago Innovations Award.
This graduate from Clemson University is a former experiential marketing and recruiting professional as well as a veteran improviser from the top improvisational training programs in Chicago, including The Second City, i.O. Theater, and The Annoyance Theatre.
When she is not playing pretend or facilitating, she enjoys running and beach dates with her husband and son, and their eight-pound toy poodle, BIGG Diehl.
You can follow the failed it! podcast on Instagram @learntoimproveit and facebook, and you can follow Erin personally on Instagram @keepinitrealdiehl here. You can also check out improve it! and how we can help your organization at www.learntoimproveit.com. We can’t wait to connect with you online!
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Episode 167 Transcription
Erin (00:00):
Welcome to the Improve It Podcast.
Erin (00:10):
Hello, all you recovering people pleasers. It's your girl. Me, also a recovering people. Lisa, lemme just tell you something, I'm an improviser. When people ask me to do something, my go-to response is yes, and that doesn't work for all situations. We need to redirect those nos with loving yes ands, and set boundaries for ourselves. Improve the peeps. If you are a person who gives to others and has a very hard time saying no, this episode is for you. If you are a person who, when you say no, feel guilty for days and weeks and months, then this episode is for you. If you are a person who thinks that the world will end, if you say no and don't show up to the party, event, project, insert adjective or noun here, this episode is for you. Saying no or redirecting the no with the s e n is a special skill.
Erin (01:31):
It takes practice, it takes consistency, and it takes effort because let me tell you something, your girl here has said yes way too many times in her life. And as I've gone through this self-healing journey, which you, if you haven't listened to the Self-Healing series, please do episodes one 50 through 1 55. I have transformed and evolved into who I am, who I'm supposed to be, and remembered the person that I was put on this earth to be. And guess what? That person doesn't say yes to everything. You don't say yes to everything, because when you understand your priorities and your purpose and you have a de a deep sense of inner peace, you can't say yes to everything. It took me a really long time to learn this, 40 years to be exact. Yes, my birthday is coming up April 22nd, and it has been an exhausting ride until this point because <laugh>, anytime I said no to anything, to anyone, I would feel horrible for days, for weeks, for months, I would think if I didn't show up to this event or this party or say yes to this project, this person is going to thank X, Y, Z about me.
Erin (03:03):
And guess what? A, they don't care because they're gonna move on to another problem in about five minutes. B, it's not that deep. It's really not that deep. It's my own ego that was getting in my own way. And so my friends, I am here today to help you release that ego, that fear of failure, that fear of rejection, and help you learn to say no the improviser's way. So I wanna start off by saying the activity that I'm gonna share with you today comes from our amazing Play Your Way into Wellness Workbook. If you have not scrolled to the show notes or go to our website, learn to improve it.com, a popup will show up asking you to take our wellness quiz, which is very interesting, helps you understand how you give to yourself, what type of self-care do you do on a routine basis.
Erin (04:05):
It'll give you an avatar. There's five different avatars, so to speak. And then this avatar will send you an email and you'll get this wellness workbook, which gives you rituals and energy boosters and improv techniques to help each individual avatar play your way into wellness to make self-care and a priority in your own life. So if you haven't grabbed the wellness workbook, click the link, go get your quiz zone, get the workbook, and follow along because I'm on page, I think 13 here. And this is actually fun, Nate, because my avatar is called the C E o. And that's funny because that's what I do. But I have to schedule. Wellness is one of the traits of the C E O, which is par for the course. And this is a daily ritual that we are giving the c e o here to do to help incorporate wellness into your life.
Erin (05:08):
So I wanna start by with a quote that I love from Dr. Nicole lap and it says, let's normalize disappointing people. The idea that we're going to be liked to gain approval from everyone in our lives is an illusion. Adults are capable of being disappointed. Dr. Nicole Lap is the holistic psychologist on Instagram. If you want an amazing follow, check her out. And here's one more quote from Glennon Doyle, the author of Untamed, which is a fantastic book. Every time you're given a choice between disappointing someone else and disappointing yourself, your duty is to disappoint that someone else. Your job throughout your entire life is to disappoint as many people as it takes to avoid disappointing yourself.
Erin (06:04):
Let that sink in for a minute. When we say yes to somebody else's request, we are actually saying no to what we really want. Have you ever said yes in the moment to something that you really don't wanna do? You said, okay, yes, I'll attend this event. The day of the event comes, it's an evening event. The whole day you're thinking about it like, Ugh, I don't wanna go to this event tonight. What did I say? Yes? So God, I gotta put on pants, I gotta put on real pants. I gotta show up at this event and with my happy face on, oh God, do I have to wear makeup? Ugh, I don't wanna go. And we know what you're giving up in that moment. Time with your family. A walk around the block, bing, your favorite television show, starting a side hustle. You're giving up your dreams for somebody else's want and request.
Erin (07:03):
Let's say you said no in that moment to that person. Hey, you know what? I can't attend that night. Thank you so much for thinking of me. You're not lying cuz you can't attend. You're busy doing things for you, and you have made that person understand that you have boundaries by saying a simple no. You have given a yes to you. That's a yes. And in the improviser's book that is yes and in your own needs, my friend. So there's an activity in our workbook called The Wall of Nay. Again, play your way into wellness the workbook. You get this by taking our wellness quiz on our website. It's really cool. I love this. So the wall of nay is very simple. All right? We are gonna celebrate what you say no to. Everything you say yes to gets its own time in the sun.
Erin (08:06):
But let's give the nos their time and the sticky notes. Here's how it works. So I want you to think about at the end of every day, for the next week, do this for the next week, I want you to think of something or someone that you said no to and you honored your own boundary. So maybe it was a no to your boss, my plate is full. I cannot take on another project right now, but as soon as my bandwidth opens up, I'll check back in. Maybe you said no to a colleague. I can't go to happy hour after work today. Sorry, actually remove the, sorry, I can't go to happy hour after work. I have other things going on this evening. Done. Maybe you said no to a friend. Unfortunately, I can't come to that party on Friday, but I hope you guys have a blast.
Erin (08:58):
Let's catch up next week. Maybe you said no to a family member. I'm not available to chat on the phone tonight because I have some work to do. How about I call you Saturday? Or maybe you said no to somebody online. You name it. Whether it was naming why you disagreed declining a project that won't fit on your plate or something else by saying the no, you have already done the hard part. Here's what you're gonna do. This is going to become your wall of nay. Every single time that you say no, you are going to write what it is that you said no to on a sticky note. Now, place this sticky note somewhere you feel comfortable. You don't want the whole world to know what you're saying no to. So maybe it's near your desk inside a journal. Maybe it's above your bathroom sink in your closet or in your kitchen.
Erin (09:55):
If you wanna really say it loud and proud and put those boundaries up on the wall for the family, here's what you're gonna do. You're going to keep saying no and adding to those sticky notes all week long. At the end of the week, you're gonna celebrate this wall of nay because by saying no to these things that have piled up in your life, you are not giving to the energy vampires you're giving to yourself. And yes, I said energy vampires, those are the people that suck out your energy and the thanks that suck out your energy. They take a little vial, they say, and they suck it up because they want your time and effort and energy, and they're taking it away from the biggest priority you. So why does this work? When you have this visual of the boundaries that you've set, you're more likely to keep doing it.
Erin (11:04):
So since we're socialized to think that saying yes, keep everyone around us happy is what we should celebrate. Celebrating the moments when you actually say no, creates a positive feeling around boundaries instead of setting a shameful or a guilty one. Oh my goodness, I love this so much. I gotta thank Nicole on my team because Nicole created this fantastic workbook and collaboration with myself. It's mostly her baby, but oh my God, I love this wall of nay. And I'm gonna tell you something, I've been doing it. I'm trying to keep it secretive because it's in my journal and I've got these little sticky notes all over my journal. But I am so proud of myself because by saying no, I have given time to me. And guess what happens when I give that time to me? I can meditate. I can connect with my higher self.
Erin (12:05):
I can read a book that gives me some amazing material to share with you. I can sit and dull my brain with a bad reality show. I can go out to dinner with people who inspire me, not suck out my energy. I can go for a run and give to my body. You know what happens when I do those things for me? I show up way better for my family. They get the best version of me because I'm happy cuz I've given myself time. Then guess who else is really grateful for that? My team, the people who support this mission and believe in it, they don't wanna leader who's tired and depleted and her energy is gone and drained. They need somebody to inspire them to keep sharing this work. And then guess who else it helps you my improve it. Peep my person who keeps showing up here for themselves.
Erin (13:09):
If I don't give to me, what do I have to give to you? Nothing. And all of this starts by recognizing what your priorities are. What feels good to you? Chances are if something feels bad, you just feel it in your gut. If your gut reaction when somebody asks you to do something or go somewhere is like, well, no, I don't wanna do that. Don't do it. If it's not a hell yes, it's a hell no. Okay, just plain and simple. If it's not a hell yes, it's a hell no. Because that wishy washy land, that's a no. Just let's call a spade a spade. It's a no. You don't really wanna do it. You're gonna put the pants on and you're gonna spill coffee on your pants. When you get to the P, the event, you're gonna be mad. You're gonna wanna take the pants off immediately.
Erin (14:03):
But guess what? You're at the event. You can't take your pants off. If you were at home, you could take your pants off. Where am I going with this? I'm not sure. All I want you to know <laugh> is that you matter by giving to you and saying nay to the things in your life. You are building a wall of possibilities for yourself. That's it. That's it. So I wanna know, are you putting up the wall of nay? What are you saying no to tell me and get this wellness workbook. It is magical. There's so many other cool techniques and rituals and energy boosters in there just like this. I'll be sharing more on the show as we continue to go along. But you know what I'm gonna say? Say no to the things that don't fuel you. Say yes to you and showing up here week after week.
Erin (14:58):
Keep failing, keep improving because the world needs, oh my God, it needs it. That special, refreshed, beautiful, refined it that only you can bring, and that's by giving to you first boo. All right, I'm done. I'm getting loopy. I'll see you next time, <laugh>. Hey friend. Did you enjoy today's show? If so, head on over to iTunes to rate and subscribe. So you never miss an episode. Now, did I mention that when you leave a five star review of the Improve It podcast, an actual team of humans does a happy dance? Mm-hmm. <affirmative>. That's right. So leave a review for us on iTunes, screenshot it, and send me an email at info learn to improve it.com. I'll send you a personalized video back as a thank you. Thanks so much for listening. Improve at Peeps. I'll see you next Wednesday.