Episode 61: How to Stop Comparing Yourself to Other Leaders
“We compare the worst of ourselves to the best of others. We are so much tougher on ourselves than we are on our friends." - Erin Diehl
Failed it! Fam, are you a leader who constantly compares yourself to someone else? Well, leading is a mental game. We are only as strong as our weakest thought, and you have other eyes and ears looking to you for guidance. And if your weakest thoughts are the loudest thoughts in your ear, how are you going to lead your peeps? How are you going to build up your team?
In today’s episode, Erin talks to us about:
The comparison spiral
Triggers and how to quiet your mind when they show up unannounced
Exercises to help overcome comparisonitis
Links from show discussions:
About the Host: Erin Diehl is the founder and Chief “Yes, And” officer of improve it! and host of the failed it! Podcast. She’s a performer, facilitator and professional risk-taker who lives by the mantra, “get comfortable with the uncomfortable.” Through a series of unrelated dares, Erin has created improve it!, a unique professional development company that pushes others to laugh, learn and grow. Her work with clients such as United Airlines, PepsiCo, Groupon, Deloitte, Motorola, Walgreens, and The Obama Foundation earned her the 2014 Chicago RedEye Big Idea Award and has nominated her for the 2015-2019 Chicago Innovations Award.
This graduate from Clemson University is a former experiential marketing and recruiting professional as well as a veteran improviser from the top improvisational training programs in Chicago, including The Second City, i.O. Theater, and The Annoyance Theatre.
When she is not playing pretend or facilitating, she enjoys running and beach dates with her husband and son, and their eight-pound toy poodle, BIGG Diehl.
You can follow the failed it! podcast on Instagram @learntoimproveit and facebook, and you can follow Erin personally on Instagram @keepinitrealdiehl here. You can also check out improve it! and how we can help your organization at www.learntoimproveit.com. We can’t wait to connect with you online!
Episode 61 Transcription
Erin (00:00):
Leaders and my failed it! Family, leading is a mental game. We are only as strong as our weakest thought, and you have other eyes and ears looking to you for guidance. And if your weakest thoughts are the loudest thoughts in your ear, how are you going to lead the peeps? How are you going to build up your team?
Erin (00:24):
Hey friend, are you a leader who is career-focused, goal-driven and possess a life long learner mentality. Do you dream about achieving your goals and spend hours Googling how tos and gurus? Does a side effect of your awesome,, might I add personality include perfectionism, the dreaded imposter syndrome and the ever-present fear of failure? Well, you've landed in the right place. We just became virtual BFFs. I'm Erin Diehl, the founder of the improv training company improve it! and a recovering perfectionist turned failfluencer. Inspired by the improv rule, there are no mistakes, only gifts. This podcast is the creative outlet you need to not only motivate you, but the people that you lead through interviews with corporate leaders, entrepreneurs, and even comedians, you'll walk away becoming a more empathetic boss. I realizing that failure is a part of the journey and you must fail in order to improve in the scene of life. We all have our own unique guests that we bring to the world, and it is our mistakes that help to unwrap them. Welcome to failed it. [inaudible]
Erin (01:44):
Hello my failed it! Family. It is me. Turn this podcast into a sing along. Just kidding. Welcome to today's show. I'm so honored that you're here. If this is your first time listening to the show, welcome to the failed it Family. If you are a member of the failed it! Fam, hello, my friend. I'm so thrilled to talk to you today. I'm sitting in my podcasting closet. It's rainy. I have a candle on, a sweat shirt, leggings. My hair is a hot mess and I'm just coming to you live, but I've got so much good juicy material for you today. Some tacticals. So you might want to grab a pen and paper for this one. I have some exercises for you. We're getting tactical failed it! Fam. So I want to talk to my leaders, which is you, the leader who is constantly figuring out how to navigate this new hybrid workforce, the leader who is trying to create a safe space for your team, both virtually and in person, and the leader who is trying to come up with innovative ways to engage your team and make them actually want to show up at work.
Erin (03:04):
Now, you are a leader whose mission is to make and help people be their best selves at work. So what does this mean? My fine friends. This means that you are constantly trying to be and become the best version of you. You've read all the self-help books. You've done all the professional development courses, the online courses, you follow the people that make you feel good. You are constantly trying to improve. Hence why the name of my company is improve it. See what I did there. So just so you know, that is all geared towards you. And through this journey of making you better, you have watched others succeed. You've watched coworkers and peers and colleagues get the raise, get the promotion, climb that corporate ladder, start their own businesses, go out on their own, become coaches, become consultants. So sometimes this journey looks like it could happen overnight, right?
Erin (04:17):
Some people you look at them and you think, wow, literally yeah, year ago they were sitting in the same cubicle as me on the same row, in the same corporate office building as me or, you know, I'm talking about Cheryl, good old Cheryl or Carl. Okay. There's Carl's out there too, but Cheryl has what you want. And when you look at her perfectly curated Instagram feed, or all of the posts that have so much engagement on LinkedIn, or you think that, you know, the dollars that they have in their bank account, you can find yourself feeling what I like to call icky.
Erin (04:59):
You know what I'm talking about. Okay? It's that feeling? Where your armpits, they get all sweaty and gross and you say, ugh I feel disgusting in my own skin, you get like that cold sweat on the back of your neck. And you're like, I need to apply a strong antiperspirant deodorant. That's it? That's the X factor, right? That is icky. And so you get that X factor and then you go down a shame spiral where you go through their lives online. You look at their Facebook photos. You're trying to figure out the timeline. How did Cheryl get this? When did this happen? You look through their Instagram photos and Google the articles that they've been written about, or the ones that they've actually written. You do this. I'll usually late at night when the kids are in bed. Or if you don't have kids when you're done with your work day and your own climbing, whatever that climb looks like to you.
Erin (05:55):
So ultimately I'm saying failed it! Fam is you were triggered by something that started this comparison spiral. So, so many things can trigger this comparison spiral. You could see a negative piece of feedback or receive a negative piece of feedback from somebody that you are directly reporting into, or perhaps you saw a post on social media and that person has what you want. And it just triggered you. How did I not get there? What are they doing that I'm not? Or maybe you stepped on the scale today and that tipped you over the edge. Or you saw a coworker getting recognition on a project that you were on and you didn't get any praise, but they got all the praise. Or perhaps you received a comment from another parent about the way that you parent in it just set you off. We all have triggers my friends.
Erin (06:56):
So let me start by asking you this. What triggers you to go into these comparison spirals? I want you to really think about it. What starts your comparison spiral? The first step is really noticing what triggers you and then recognizing those triggers. So start by thinking about your day today. Maybe you're having a great day. And so maybe this isn't necessarily, maybe you're starting this in the morning and you're like, I haven't even had a cup of coffee, Erin. I want you to think about the day before then. And if there was a thing in that day, what made you stop and pause and feel less than is there something that happened that made you feel icky? So recognize what that is right now. I want you to really stop and recognize and reflect on that. That is the first step. The second step is knowing what to do when these triggers happen.
Erin (08:03):
So we can recognize those triggers. And then we can say, okay, how do I move forward from this? So I want you to remember this. We always compare the worst of ourselves to the best of others. I'm going to say that again for the people in the back, we compare the worst of ourselves to the best of others. We are so much tougher on ourselves than we are on our friends. I want you to think about this. Okay. Would you tell your best friend, oh girl, you look fat and those pre pandemic jeans, or would you say you would probably be further ahead if you didn't decide to have kids, would you say any of this negative self-talk to your bestie that you tell yourself? If the answer is yes, then maybe consider your approach to friendship. No offense failed it! Fam, but I want you to think about this.
Erin (09:08):
I know you're not doing those things. We tell ourselves the worst. We tell ourselves things that we would never say out loud to another human being ever. We are our own best friends. So we need to treat and talk to ourselves like we are BFF. So when these achy comparison spiral triggers happen, we need to step up and be the best friend to ourselves that we would like to have. So I'm going to give you two examples of how to beat comparisonitis at its own game because leaders and my failed it! Family, leading is a mental game. We are only as strong as our weakest thought, and you have other eyes and ears looking to you for guidance. And if your weakest thoughts are the loudest thoughts in your ear, how are you going to lead the peeps? How are you going to build up your team?
Erin (10:10):
Now, I'm going to say this before I dive in. I want you to know it is a okay to have bad days. And comparison is real. There was not a single leader or person in the world who does not compare themselves to others. It is my goal, okay. To one day interview the Oprah Winfrey. And she is literally the only angel on this earth, who I would say may not compare herself to others. And Ops, if you were listening, know you are my girl, my goddess, and as Sinead O'Connor says, nothing compares to you. I digress. Okay? All I'm saying is it is perfectly normal, perfectly numb, perfectly normal, and okay to feel these icky comparisonitis feels.
Erin (11:01):
Hey failed it! Fam, are you a leader for a small or large team? That's stuck working from home. Are you missing the in office happy hours or training sessions that allow people to interact and get to know each other? Are you sick of staring at a spreadsheet? And you want something that will not only enhance team morale, but also build soft skills, then improve it! Has your back. We've pivoted all 11 of our in-person soft skill training workshops to this virtual environment. Using zoom, we'll create a memorable hour and a half experience that can train your team on things like effective communication, leadership, thinking quickly on your feet, presentation skills and networking all in this virtual environment. Leading a team of interns, let us wow them with our career 1 0 1 workshop. Leading a sales team has figuring out how to cold call or even warm call in this virtual world, have our team of improv professionals facilitate our sales training workshop. If this is the spice that your team needs to get out of this work from home rut, Email us info@learntoimproveit.com again, that's info@learntoimproveit.com and that's T O improve it.com. Or you can head to our website, learn to improve it.com to learn more. We would love to help you improve your it virtually whatever your it might be.
Erin (12:38):
I on a personal note had one of the most difficult days I've had in a really long time last week. I mean, I was down, Debbie was down. Okay. And I just felt so many feels. I had not only self doubt about myself, but just about so many things about our future. And I just went into this hole of comparisonitis of honestly just guilt and shame for what I hadn't done. And I stopped myself in one moment and I said, okay, what triggered this? And I know what triggered it. It was a big life event actually. And I allow myself to really feel in that moment because I usually come on, is this, you know, positive Pam, this cheerleader for you. And I am that. That is my go-to all right, but I allowed myself to stop feel, notice the triggers and then move forward.
Erin (13:47):
So I actually did these next two activities on that day. And I'm going to give you two in improv based activities to help you get out of the comparison game. I thought if I was feeling this, I know that you are feeling this too. And I know these two activities can help you. These two exercises slash activities. All right. So get ready. Failed at fam. Here we go. Let's go. Exercise. Number one is called you are enough. Okay? So here's what I want you to do wherever you are right now, your car on a walk in your office and the kitchen, folding laundry. I want you to stop what you're doing. And on the count of three, we are going to hit a pose that makes us feel powerful as poop. I do not swear are I try not to swear on this podcast. So we're going to feel like fricking rock stars. Now, when I count to three, we're going to hit this post. You can hit pose with your arms wide, open your hands up in the air, your hands on your hips, like superwoman or Superman. But I want you to feel that ish. All right, here we go. On the count of three. You're going to hit it. Here we go. 1, 2, 3, hold it. Are you holding it? Hold it, hold it, hold it. Oh, hold it. Okay. Go back to neutral.
Erin (15:21):
Now, if we were in a workshop, I wouldn't ask you so many questions, but because you can't respond to me, I want you to ask yourself, how did that feel? If you tell me in your mind right now, I am reading minds through the airwaves that you feel a little bit more powerful and in control. Good. We're going to do it again though. And this time I want you to feel it with even more power and conviction than before. I want you this time to hold that pose. That makes you feel powerful. And I want you to close your eyes and really feel it. Now, if you feel like a total dweeb, check-in all right. I want you to pop in your earbuds. I want you to go to your bathroom and I want you to shut the door and do not let the dog don't do it.
Erin (16:11):
The kids can stand outside the door for two minutes. All right. Now, if you're driving, do this activity with whoever's in your car, or if it's just you, who cares? What the other drivers think of you on the road? Just don't close your eyes, please. Okay. The ID, I cannot have a lawsuit that says I was listening to the failed at podcast and she told me to power pose a closed by eyes. And I can't do that. So keep up, keep up, keep the eyes open. All right. So here we go. We're going to do this again. And this time I want you to feel this power posts. Okay? Like you've never power posts before. I want you to feel so powerful. We're going to do it again on the count of three. Close your eyes. Here we go. 1, 2, 3, close your eyes. Do not cheat.
Erin (17:04):
Keep holding it. Feel that you feel that power. Keep holding it. Do not drop. Here we go. I'm going to have you repeat after me. And if you're on a walk, just say it lightly, or you can scream it in your neighborhood. Here we go. I am enough. Say it after me. I am enough. One more time. I am enough. This time let's really shout out. Here we go. I am enough back to neutral. Yes. Shake it out, shake it out. Failed it! fam. That is what we call power. Posing Amy Cudde has a very famous Ted talk that discusses this, but I'll link to it in the show notes. I just want you to know this absolutely works. I've talked about it on the show before, and I'm talking about it again, because I think it's this important power posing sends a signal to your brain that you are in control.
Erin (18:14):
You were confident and you're ready to go. Adding in this. I am enough. Affirmation also allows you to think about yourself in a different way. Now, we actually do this exercise in a workshop that we do in person and now virtually for improve it. And let's say you get a room of a hundred people screaming. I am enough. It is some powerful ish. If you feel silly doing that, yes, that's your own limiting belief. This will change your attitude. This will change the way that you think about yourself almost immediately. So what I just did was I stood with my arms wide open. Okay. And I have, it's almost like my chest is up. My arms are wide wide open and a T. This is how before workshops, before keynotes, before big performances, our team communicates with each other. We power pose. We have conversations.
Erin (19:12):
We hold this pose because we need to feel that energy. We need to feel powerful and in control. So when you tell yourself that you are enough and you matter, you remind yourself physically and emotionally that you, yes, you, my leader are here for a reason. This physical and mental exercise will truly change up your feelings. And I want you to remember you become what you feel. So know that feeling good is the key to moving away from comparison and into joy. So that's number one. Let's go to exercise. Number two, I hope you're ready because this is a tried and true improv activity and it is called new choice. So here's what we're going to do. I want you to right now think of one of those triggers, something that triggers your comparison spiral or your comparison. So let's say your coworker, your peer got a promotion.
Erin (20:11):
Okay. Oh, Sally, she got a promotion and I work longer and harder than her. Right? Then in that moment, we're going to say to ourselves, new choice, when you think of a negative thought or a trigger, we're going to say new choice, and we're going to come replace that negative thought or that feeling of comparing ourselves with, to others with love. So now we're going to say it again. We're going to say Sally got that promotion and I work longer and harder than her new choice. Replace it with love. Sally deserves a promotion and my will come. Here's another example. All right. So Susie's team admires her and they sent her flowers on her birthday. She is so lucky to have such a great team. Mind didn't even remember I was born, okay. That's a little extreme here, but they forgot your birthday. So instead of feeling down, we say new choice and we replace the comparison, AKA the ego with a positive, more loving thought instead.
Erin (21:16):
So say Susie has a great team. I am so happy. They support her. I am excited to support my team on their birthdays this year. And guess what? I'm going to give them all plants for their desks, because I'm happy to have a team to nurture and grow. I'll even use that as my note. So happy to watch you grow genius. Is it cheesy? Yes. But does it work? Yes. So when we replace the negative thought with a more compelling thought, we are actually attracting what we want more of into our lives. The ego here, or the comparison tells us that there is not enough to go around. Well, Sally gets a promotion. I can't get a promotion. Susie's teams adores her. A combined can adore me. No, that's not the case. The new choice or the more loving thought tells us that there is so much more to go around and that everyone deserves happiness. So when we tell ourselves this new choice and we believe it, we actually are believing what we want to come true. And we bring that to fruition by believing. So new choice is a game that has worked for years and improv theater. It's a way to get people thinking more quickly on their feet. It is a game that allows improvisers to really quickly think in the moment while suspending judgment, suspending judgment.
Erin (22:54):
It's such a great game. And it's such a great activity to squash. Comparisonitis you see comparison is the thief of joy. It is the no, or the fun squasher. And if you've heard me talk about, and on this show, you know what a concept it is and how it's such a great life philosophy and no is really a judgment. And it suspends all creativity. So when we improvise and we come up with new ideas with the game, like new choice, we are seeing beyond what we thought was possible. And that's actually the magic and the beauty of improv. You suspend judgment. You allow new ideas to bloom and you never know where these ideas can go. If we allow ourselves to sit in this comparison or the negative, then we're stuck. We have no where to go. So what I'm saying is my field at family move forward. When you feel those negative comparison triggers, I want you to number one, how are posts and tell yourself that you are enough and number two, try this activity, new choice and suspend judgment. Remember there is enough sand in the sandbox for all of us to play. And when you allow yourself to reframe to a positive mindset, anything is possible and you will attract more of what you want. You're just improvising your way through it, right? You've got this filled at fam. The world needs that special. It that only you can bring, bring it.
Erin (24:44):
Hey friends, thanks for tuning into failed it. I am so happy. You were along for the ride. If you enjoyed this show, please head on over to iTunes, leave us a five star review and subscribe to the show. So you never miss an episode. New episodes drop every Wednesday. Now, if you're really feeling today's show, please take a screenshot and tag me on Instagram at keeping it real deal and share it to your stories. So we can bring more people to the failed it! Family. I'll see you next week, but I want to leave you with this thought, what will you fail at today? And how will that help your future successful self? Think about it. I'm so proud of you and you are totally failing it. See you next time.