Episode 185: Want to Create Connection with Yourself & Others? Here is your action plan! With Jay Fields
The secret to becoming a great leader? Setting a timer on your phone to go splash water on your face.
Yup, you heard that right. On her final episode on the improve it! Podcast (for now heehee), Jay Fields talks with Erin about what it means to spend more of your time thinking about yourself than experiencing yourself, how to develop a “felt” relationship with yourself, and how this can help you unlock internal resources like empathy, intuition, and courage.
Do you spend more time thinking about yourself or experiencing yourself? This episode will help you understand what you lean towards and how to shift to become more connected to yourself and others.
ICYMI – Your Post-Episode Homework: Incorporate a grounding practice into your daily routine. Whether it’s setting a timer to get up and shake out your body, go for a walk, or take deep breaths – find a practice that works for you and helps you connect back to yourself.
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Erin Diehl is the founder and Chief “Yes, And” officer of improve it! and host of the improve it! Podcast. She’s a performer, facilitator and professional risk-taker who lives by the mantra, “get comfortable with the uncomfortable.” Through a series of unrelated dares, Erin has created improve it!, a unique professional development company that pushes others to laugh, learn and grow. Her work with clients such as United Airlines, PepsiCo, Groupon, Deloitte, Motorola, Walgreens, and The Obama Foundation earned her the 2014 Chicago RedEye Big Idea Award and has nominated her for the 2015-2019 Chicago Innovations Award.
This graduate from Clemson University is a former experiential marketing and recruiting professional as well as a veteran improviser from the top improvisational training programs in Chicago, including The Second City, i.O. Theater, and The Annoyance Theatre.
When she is not playing pretend or facilitating, she enjoys running and beach dates with her husband and son, and their eight-pound toy poodle, BIGG Diehl.
You can follow the failed it! podcast on Instagram @learntoimproveit and facebook, and you can follow Erin personally on Instagram @keepinitrealdiehl here. You can also check out improve it! and how we can help your organization at www.learntoimproveit.com. We can’t wait to connect with you online!
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Episode 185 Transcription
Erin (00:00):
Welcome to the Improve It Podcast,
Erin (00:10):
Improve It Peeps. Okay, let me just say this. If you have not listened to episode 180 3 and 180 4 of this show with the incredible Jay Fields, stop, press pause. Give yourself the gift of those two episodes before listening to this one. This is the final recap of our conversation with the one and only Jay Field to blew my mind and my body on this conversation. Clearly, this conversation is so needed in America, in corporate America and quirk. We really need to be able to connect back to ourselves in order to help others. And this conversation really dives deep in how you can find that connection within yourself and how it will just impact every single person in your life, but more importantly, create this amazing existence that only you get to experience. So without further ado, let's get to improving it. That's the name of our show. Improve It. Let's get to improving it with Jay Fields. So, okay, what if somebody listening has no idea how to create connection with themselves because this is what you teach. I feel like this is something I personally have worked really hard on. Let's just say this. Why is it so important to connect with ourselves and and how does that make us better leaders?
Jay (01:48):
When I hear that, what I hear is why is it so important to be embodied?
Erin (01:53):
Mm,
Jay (01:53):
Right. To be connected. Because here's the thing, most people, anyone listening to your podcast, I would be willing to bet my house that they have a ton of conceptual self-awareness. Yeah. And by conceptual self-awareness, I mean, you tell yourself the story of your life in your head as it's happening <laugh>, right?
Erin (02:11):
Totally. Totally.
Jay (02:12):
Or you're constantly thinking about what, like analyzing what you just did. Oh my gosh, I said that. Oh God, I should have said this. Like, or you're thinking about what you're do. Like, so here's the thing, I bet most people listening have conceptual self-awareness in spades. And that is not a bad thing. It's great. But again, if this is, if it's constantly going in your head, you're missing out on some things because neuroscience tells us that embodied self-awareness, meaning knowing <laugh> again, you just took a deep breath. I did. Embodied self-awareness. Yeah.
Jay (02:48):
Body. So embodied self-awareness is you experiencing yourself as opposed to conceptual self-awareness, which is you thinking about yourself. So the reason why it's so important to be connected to yourself is that you get to experience yourself. And what research tells us is that that lights up different pathways in your brain and that gives you access to things like compassion, courage, empathy intuition, the ability to connect to other people. Like all these things that we think of as qualities of really fabulous leaders and really fabulous humans. We don't get those things by thinking we get them by being in a body, experiencing ourselves. That's why it's so important. So it's like this is the, like the catch 22 is that if you're only in your head, you don't have access to those internal resources in the same way, but you have to go into your body and feel things to get them. And most people go, I'm not going there because if I start feeling I'm gonna cry for a whole weekend mm-hmm. <Affirmative> or if I start feeling I'm gonna just be uncomfortable all the time. But what they don't get is that being able to feel is also that like treasure trove of all the things that make it easier to do that.
Erin (04:17):
Oh my god, <laugh>. Ok. So, ok. There was a whole series, we did it in January on the show called The Self-Healing Series, which was all about this. And it's just, it's almost what I relate it to is going into a healing cocoon to feel those feelings. You almost wrapped yourself in a snuggie for me. It happened in October, November of last year. I literally was like, I'm just gonna feel a bajillion feelings and this is gonna suck so hard, but I'm gonna come out of this hopefully better, I hope. And I think once you do that, the, it's almost that that roomy quote, when there's a, what is it, when there's a crack, that's when the light comes in. So you have to like allow the cracks to crack wide open to find the light. And I really, really truly believe that that's where the true connection happens. And I see that that is the work that science is backing up as well, which is so freaking cool.
Jay (05:24):
Yeah. There's the research there, but the felt experience of it, because I, look, I've had the snug out moments where you just get in the Snuggie and you just ball and rage and all the things. And this is something that will make sense to anyone who hasn't been there. But what's true is when you're in that, it is like pure love. Yeah. Un there might be rage or there might be like a whole bunch of snot happening. Yes. But there's, to me, there's also the experience of just like sweet, sweet, kind love. And that is because I feel me, in the places where I've abandoned me for a long time, oh
Erin (06:02):
My
Jay (06:02):
Girl, like, you're not alone anymore. And, and like the places where you're super scared or super sad, if you can just meet yourself there and feel it, it's like for the first time ever, you're not sitting in it alone. And it feels kind of sweet even as it feels really sucky. It's like both am
Erin (06:23):
I'm like, yes. I literally, when you said that, like I feel me and the parts where I didn't feel me, like, and I hate when podcasters say this, but I'm just gonna say I have full body freaking chills. Like, I mean that <laugh>, I hate what pa that I have. So body chills. I'm like, you just said dog poop. Like I fully felt that and it was a full moment because have you ever read the book A Return to Love by Maryanne Williamson?
Jay (06:52):
No, but I love Marion Williamson. Me
Erin (06:55):
Too. So I read that book while I was also in the Snuggie, the Healing Cocoon and what it felt like that entire connection experience was, was a homecoming to myself. And I feel very grateful that, I mean, my body was in physical pain, so she was like screaming at me to, to listen. And as soon as I did, the pain went away over time. Not immediately. But it is such a, it is such a vulnerable thing, but like you said, there's just so much love and, and you come out of it feeling so empowered with who you are. So for people listening who have never experienced this, cuz I know it feels like you and I both, I know you have, I have as well done this type of connection back into themselves where, what is a place to start? Like where if somebody is like, I am digging this conversation, but like where do I, what is step one? What would you say?
Jay (07:59):
Yeah, I'm, I appreciate you coming back that cuz I'm imagining people listening going, I am not putting on a snuggie and snotting all over myself and gonna feel love, like nice dry with your chills and all that stuff, but not happening. So yeah, primary place, step one is I tell clients in the very beginning, like, set a timer on your phone to go off three or four times a day and let that be your reminder that when that goes off you have to do something in your body. You have to go splash some cold water in your face or go walk outside of all your people working from home. Go check the mail. Like go like walk 50 feet, breathe some fresh air, feel your body again and or shake or go like put lotion on your hands so you feel the sensation of actually rubbing your hands together and having a good smell of it has a good smell.
Jay (08:59):
So set a timer four or five times a day. Go off for 30 seconds to a minute. Do something that reminds you that you exist from your neck down. And the reason being is twofold. One, you will get embodied self-awareness, which will help you have access to all those inner resources. I mean, think about just like the action of getting up to go pee and like moving around as opposed to staring at your computer all day. Like there's something opens up when you do that. But the other reason to do that is cuz cuz I have the people who are like, give me the homework check. I'm gonna be a good girl and I'm gonna do the homework. But the reason to do this homework of setting your timer on your phone and doing something that reminds you that you have a body is so that you can feel a connection to yourself.
Jay (09:47):
Like this is you making a felt connection, a felt relationship with yourself. Because most of us have a very heady relationship with ourselves. We think about ourselves all the time, but we don't feel ourselves. And the thing that makes any relationship sweet and one we wanna spend time in is that you can feel that person and you feel felt by that person. And if you don't have that with yourself, you're missing the whole foundation of any other thing you want in your career, in your life. So like start with five times a day, 30 seconds to a minute, feel, feel what you're doing in your body and know that you're doing that because you want to actually experience yourself.
Erin (10:33):
Mm. I love that.
Jay (10:36):
Does that seem like, does that make sense as a like
Erin (10:40):
Total sense? Total sense. And then I think that leads to just more like, that's just like a little baby step that can help open the door for more awareness, right? Like that such a simple reminder, right? That one go take a walk.
Jay (10:57):
I mean it could be that it opens your awareness to the fact that you have a full bladder, right?
Erin (11:03):
Yeah. <Laugh>
Jay (11:04):
And I'm, and like legit because I will tell, I'll talk with people at work and be like, how many of you get to the end of the workday and you haven't peed? Yes. Or you haven't eaten anything. Yes. And it's like, yeah, you might just open the awareness like, oh God, I have to pee. Or man, I'm hungry. But that is then the next step in like, oh, I can take care of me. I can go grab a snack that's gonna help me be less of a wild monster on this next call. Or when I have to go pick my kids up from school. Like cuz I need to my blood sugar's off like that. The way that we run on autopilot in our heads, we miss so many opportunities to meet our own needs and make it a normalized thing that like, oh yeah, I'm a human being. I have a body, I have needs. And those extend to emotional needs.
Erin (11:56):
You're just speaking to me like right here. You're speaking to me right here today. I'm like, she is. You are right here. I needed this. We all needed this. When you said I have to pee now I have to pee. Like I'm thinking about pee now. <Laugh>. But I will also say this connection to ourselves just leads out outwardly, right? Like this internal connection just spills over to our teams, our organization, the people in our lives. And it's such an, it's, it's much harder in theory to actually do this because we just run, run, run all day long. But this connection could lead to such a more fulfilling life, don't you? Is that, would you agree with that?
Jay (12:42):
I would absolutely agree with that, yes. And I think that the piece that like when you see my work on LinkedIn or on my website or stuff like, it can be easy to think this is about building resilience or you know, like, like you mentioned mindfulness earlier. But for me this is about having fulfilling relationships. Cuz from, from the time we're born to the time we die, we are constantly in relationship. Whether it's the relationship with ourself or relationship with other people, relationship with the world, relationship with our work. Like we exist in relationships and we're not good at it. <Laugh>
Erin (13:18):
Yeah.
Jay (13:18):
And like I do the work that I do and all these steps about learning how to be embodied, regulate your nervous system, reframe mental paradigms. You got, I got, I do all of that because I want people to have a good experience with themselves in relationship and we're in relationship at work all the time. And so yes, this is, this isn't about like, I don't know, I feel like mindfulness can get real into like, you have to be this calm zen person or there's, there's a very small bandwidth of what you get to feel when you're quote unquote mindful and f that Like, to me this is about like, can I feel you? And can you feel me? Because good leaders are people who people can feel them and you don't necessarily get there through mindfulness. Cause mindfulness can be kind of full of mind and like real, real thinky even. It's a bit semantic, but
Erin (14:18):
No, it's not. I wanna
Jay (14:19):
Feel you.
Erin (14:21):
Yes. No, this is, I have felt this conversation on a real level. So know that I feel you, I feel what your work is doing in the world. I'm so grateful that you came on this show and I want people to find you. So tell them how can they find Jay? Where do they go? What did they do? How
Jay (14:37):
Do you find me? You go to jay-fields.com, jy fields.com and on there you have access to information about my LinkedIn courses. Cause I have three with a fourth one on the way. And those are all work related. This is like, we're gonna talk about this stuff in the context of work, but you can also learn about my my coaching program, which is called Yours Truly, which is like, this is about how do you use all this stuff to be you in your relationships. So J com
Erin (15:11):
Okay, we're putting it on the show notes. You, you are a light. I'm so grateful that you're doing this work and I truly, I hope everybody listening needed this as much as I did today. This was a beautiful conversation. So thank you so much for being here.
Jay (15:26):
Thank you Erin. I really enjoyed it.
Erin (15:37):
Improve it peeps. I am sad that this conversation had to come to a close. I could have talked to Jay for forever. Not only are we two days apart and my birthdays we're both Tauruses, we both are empaths and people pleasers, recovering people pleasers. And we both have found this deep-rooted connection within ourselves. And I'm able to talk about it and share it with you in hopes that you can find that, that you can come from a place of authentic truth, live that truth and ground yourself every single day so you can show up as the leader, friend, sibling, parent, insert adjective here that you are meant to be. So here's your homework. Take one of these grounding practices today into heart. If you listen to episodes 180 3 and 180 4 of the show, we talk about several different practices. But I really love this intention of setting an alarm and reminding ourselves to ground ourselves in our bodies. It could be as simple as stand up and shake it out. It could be as simple as goal for a walk around the block. It could be as simple as take some deep breaths,
Erin (16:43):
Find a practice that works for you, that helps you connect back with yourself. We spend so much time racing from activity to activity tasks to tasks. And sometimes we forget that the most important thing that we can do here on this earth is just be human beings is what we are. And if we aren't in that state of B, then we're in the state of due, which is a human doing. And as a human being to a human being, I just wanna tell you that this stuff really matters. If you're listening to today's show and it doesn't resonate, I want you to understand that I was in that place a long time ago. I was like, I don't need rest. I don't need to care about being connected to myself. I gotta keep doing, keep achieving. And it caught up with me in a big way.
Erin (17:35):
It created pain in my body, it created a anxiety produced stress level. It increased my hormones, it increased my fight or flight mode. And I lived in a state of being that did not feel authentic or true to who I really am. It matters and you matter. So take that time and give to yourself. You deserve it. Set an alarm on your phone and allow yourself that time to just be in your body. I gotta go cuz I gotta go set my alarm right now. But you know what I'm gonna say? I want you to keep failing, keep improving because this world needs that very special it that only you can bring. I'll see you next time. Hey friend, did you enjoy today's show? If so, head on over to iTunes to rate and subscribe. So you never miss an episode. Now, did I mention that when you leave a five star review of the Improve It podcast, an actual team of humans does a happy dance? Mm-Hmm. <affirmative>. That's right. So leave a review for us on iTunes, screenshot it and send me an email at info learn to improve it.com. I'll send you a personalized video back as a thank you. Thanks so much for listening. Improve It Peeps. I'll see you next Wednesday.