Episode 184: Feeling Challenged at Work? How to Reduce Stress and Have More Control with Jay Fields
Ever feel like your work week is like jumping into a pool of piranhas and there’s never going to be any healing? Us too.
In her second episode with Jay Fields, Erin dives into what it means to feel challenged at work, how to reduce the resulting stress (actually this time), and have more control over what you can control.
If you’re feeling stressed to the max, this episode is for you.
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Erin Diehl is the founder and Chief “Yes, And” officer of improve it! and host of the improve it! Podcast. She’s a performer, facilitator and professional risk-taker who lives by the mantra, “get comfortable with the uncomfortable.” Through a series of unrelated dares, Erin has created improve it!, a unique professional development company that pushes others to laugh, learn and grow. Her work with clients such as United Airlines, PepsiCo, Groupon, Deloitte, Motorola, Walgreens, and The Obama Foundation earned her the 2014 Chicago RedEye Big Idea Award and has nominated her for the 2015-2019 Chicago Innovations Award.
This graduate from Clemson University is a former experiential marketing and recruiting professional as well as a veteran improviser from the top improvisational training programs in Chicago, including The Second City, i.O. Theater, and The Annoyance Theatre.
When she is not playing pretend or facilitating, she enjoys running and beach dates with her husband and son, and their eight-pound toy poodle, BIGG Diehl.
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Episode 184 Transcription
Erin (00:00):
Welcome to the Improve It Podcast,
Erin (00:10):
Improve it peeps. Welcome to episode 180 4 of the Improve It Podcast with our special guest, Jay Fields. If you have not listened to episode 180 3 of this show, please press pause, go back and take a listen. It is one of the best conversations I think I've ever had on this show. I, I really was in this place when we recorded it that I needed to hear these words and this conversation, you can hear in this episode how I feel physically grounded. I, she saw this physical change in me in this episode particularly, and it was just absolutely what I needed in that moment in my day to come back into my body and be present with myself. We had this impactful conversation that I know that you are gonna love, and it's all about reducing stress, how you can be in more control and in your body. So enjoy this conversation with the incredible Jay Fields I wanna talk to about empathy because you said on your website that I'm absolutely like so empathic too, Jay. The empathy is your superpower. So I wanna talk about how this has helped you, but also how has this hindered you? Oh, gosh. At, at work.
Jay (01:48):
Oh my gosh. I love that you asked that question. It makes me think about how, I think it was about six years ago, maybe six or seven years ago, I did the Strengths Finder for the first time.
Erin (02:01):
Yep. Okay.
Jay (02:02):
Uhhuh. And it came up as empathy was my number one. And I was like, first off I was like. I was like, what? <Laugh>, that's not a strength. Yeah. Empathy has screwed me my whole life. <Laugh> all it's ever done for me has made me the like, crazy people pleaser, Uhhuh, <affirmative>, you know, just like that I am a founding member of the People Pleasers Club. Yeah. And it just always felt like empathy was something that was a dead wave for me, and it really shock it. Honestly, 100% shocked me. Like, I sat there like a day's deer at my desk going like, so this is a strength <laugh> what it, what? And then I read the whole thing and it's like, oh yeah, actually I can see that. That's, I need to have empathy in order to sit down and talk with people and, and have them feel safe enough to open up and talk about their feelings and all of that.
Jay (02:58):
But yeah, the way it hindered me was that I just, I felt like I was always so, so so aware of how everyone else on a team was feeling, or anyone I was working with, or clients that I was working with. And like, I grew up in a household where the unspoken rule was you never make anyone else uncomfortable. And so if I'm like so empathic that I know how everybody's feeling and I can sense the slightest discomfort, then I just go into lockdown mode or into chameleon mode or into performer mode and like, who do you need me to be? And then I'd be burnt out and I'd be exhausted. I'd feel like fraud, I feel inauthentic, like mm-hmm. <Affirmative>, all these things.
Erin (03:40):
Oh God, we're the, we have, we're two days apart in our birthdays. We're Tauruses and we are the same in this superpower my friend <laugh>.
Jay (03:51):
Yeah, right.
Erin (03:52):
Everything you just said, I'm like, mm, companion, check, perform, perform. Mm-Hmm. <affirmative>.
Jay (03:56):
Yeah.
Erin (03:57):
Burnout check. Okay. So that's sort of how it hindered you, but like how have you seen it really support you in your leadership? How has it really just, how have you benefited from it?
Jay (04:09):
Well, first thing is I started to learn how to give it to myself, which was like another like mind blowing moment where it was like, oh, I've been giving this empathy to everyone else my whole life. And not to myself. Just those little bits of like, oh, of course I feel this way. You know, that makes sense to me. As opposed to the inner dialogue that was usually like, if you weren't so sensitive, you wouldn't be so hurt right now, like buck up or you know, all the, so empathy really started to help me as a leader once I could give it to myself. Because that capacity to self-soothe is what I needed to actually have authenticity, confidence, real connection. Cuz without it, it just feels too risky. It feels like you're every day jumping into a pool of piranas and there's and there's never gonna be any healing
Erin (05:08):
<Laugh>. Yeah. Yes. Oh, Jay. Absolutely. It's l I'm literally like, this is exactly the topic I have a keynote about. I have a, I'm writing a book about it because I will tell you that it took me 40 years to learn that I had to empathize with myself first.
Jay (05:30):
Yeah. Yeah. And you know what, some people don't get there. Yeah. You know, like 40 years is pretty freaking good if you're living on this planet with the, with the, like the society that we grew up in and the all the messages is like when do you ever get told that you get to have empathy for yourself or modeled for what it looks like?
Erin (05:50):
Yeah, I know. It's so, it's such an interesting concept and I really never fully understood it, it until I actually achieved it or like strive for it on a daily basis. And so it's such a different way of living than I was <laugh>. Yeah. And not to make this about me, I'm saying for anybody listening who has, has sought after inner peace or just a different way of seeing the world, it starts with this empathy. And I think one thing I really like that you help people with is ways to look internally, ways to get themselves to a place of calm. You gave us the shake technique, but is there any advice that you would say to somebody listening who is constantly feeling stressed at work that what is something they could do to calm themselves and get to a place of actually being empathetic with themselves?
Jay (07:04):
For me, the f the first step to anything is knowing, like being in your body enough. Because when I was in the place of being the full on people pleaser or performer, anytime I'm in that place, cuz let's be honest, I still do it <laugh>. Yeah. Even though I teach, it's like this comes through, but what I know now is when I'm doing it, I can't feel me. It's like I don't exist. It's like there's like, I'm some kind of ephemeral thing in the room that's there to make sure everyone else is okay or did that, do you know, can you feel that when Im saying that? Oh yeah,
Erin (07:42):
I could like on a visceral level like I am so I am empathizing with you. Right.
Jay (07:51):
Outta this right now. Right. So, so for me, like the, in my own experience in the work that I do with people, the very first step is always like, you have to know you have a body. You have to actually feel that you can take up space. And the, and like the kind of the double edged sword of this is that if you are feeling anxious or you're feeling stressed, being aware of your body in the, in the very beginning, it's going to feel unpleasant. You're gonna be like, oh my gosh, it's, you know, it's like fricking carnival in here. But just a few really basic what they're called felt resources, which are ways for you to feel that you're in your body in a way that is neutral or pleasant. So we talk about like feeling grounded. So things like feeling your butt in the chair or feeling your feet on the floor is funny. Even I said the word ground and you just took a deep breath, <laugh> I
Erin (08:42):
Did. And I like wiggled my toe on the ground. I was like, ugh.
Jay (08:46):
Yeah. Great. So wiggling your toes, something like that. Wiggling your toes is for most people a neutral or maybe even pleasant experience. And if you are having the, if you are like starting to learn how to be in your body and you're at work and you're stressed out and you feel, oh my gosh, my neck just is tight, my throat feels like it's just closing in, I can't breathe. But then you feel your toes wiggling in your shoes, like your toes wiggling in your shoes are fairly benign and neutral. And it is, it is a layer of your experience. So what you get, and this is kind of like the yes and kind of thing is you get, this is true, this is also true. It's true that my throat feels like it's closing and I'm super stressed. It is also true that I can feel my toes wiggling in my shoes.
Jay (09:41):
And that part of me is okay. And that's what a felt resource is. It's anything that lets you be in your body at least in a layer of your experience that you can handle because that then becomes the container or like the weight that you hold everything else. Sometimes I talk about it with my clients as like the m and m shell versus the chocolate inside. Like if you can get some thin layer of your experience that is, feels solid, it doesn't really matter what's going on in the inside, you can get to that. But first you have to have just some part of your experience that is pleasant or neutral to anchor you. So then the natural consequence of it is usually you take a deeper breath, right? Like felt resources. And this is an important thing. I think that when I learned this I was like, oh, a lot of times people think taking three deep breaths is your, is your way to calm down and if that works for you, fabulous do it. But I am not a breather when I get stressed out, I can't take deep breaths.
Erin (10:50):
Mm-Hmm. <Affirmative>. Mm-Hmm <affirmative>.
Jay (10:51):
And if you're one of those people and you try to take a deep breath to feel less stressed and you can't, then you're stressed like, oh my God, I can't take a deep breath and it must be really bad. Right? But like what you just did, you moved your toes and you automatically took a deeper breath. The natural consequence of these felt resources of feeling some layer of you that's okay, is that you breathe again.
Erin (11:13):
Can I just tell you the shift in my body that I feel right now? Like for, I'm not even just saying that. Like I, you know, I got on this show and I was all amped up about my, my morning health scare and then I'm sitting here talking to you and I feel just completely different after I just was like, yes, I'm okay. I'm safe. I wiggled my toes, I felt my fingers on my leg. Like I felt so much better. And I have a story like this weekend actually, you know, it was my birthday. I had a bunch of friends from all walks of life fly in and we had this beach house. I live in Charleston. We had this like, like hippie experience. It was awesome. And we were all in the beach house, but it was a lot of logistics and it was a lot of my husband and I, you know, bringing, making food and making sure.
Erin (12:03):
And so I'm like, that person, the people pleaser, are you okay? Are you fed? Do you have enough? Do you need a drink? Like, and one of my girlfriends pulled me aside and she said, you need to stop. Just let go. Just let go. So I made a commitment to myself cause that was Friday night. I'd already went my flight or flight mode, people pleasing for Friday. I said, Saturday, I'm gonna wake up my actual birthday and I'm gonna ground myself. I'm gonna do a meditation and then I'm gonna just be, I'm not gonna take care of people. I'm just gonna be, the contrast of my experience in just 24 hours was crazy because I wasn't stressed, I wasn't physically running around trying to do all the things. I just grounded myself and I actually like took moments for me and just experienced it and was present to it. You know? And when you're in that people pleasing modality, you just can't be present.
Jay (13:05):
No, no. And you saying that makes me think of what I tell people. The underlying outcome or goal of the work that I do with people is for you to have a good experience of yourself around other people.
Erin (13:19):
Hmm.
Jay (13:21):
For you to be able to have a good experience of yourself. I mean it seems like that shouldn't even be a thing that we have to try to get <laugh>.
Erin (13:30):
Yeah.
Jay (13:31):
And what I hear and what you said is part of it is that you had a skillset that you could do that. Part of it was that you had a paradigm in which you could even make that choice. Meaning like that there is a part of you separate from the people pleaser and the performer who actually knows that you get to not people please and perform. And I think that's the other piece, like when it comes to my work with people, it has, I have three, I call it the relational rewire and it has three parts. And the first one is, let's learn how to be in your body and know how to regulate your nervous system. Cuz that's key to knowing how to do anything else. Because if you're in high rev all the time, you're never gonna make a different choice. So we've got to get there.
Jay (14:16):
The second part is what I call reframe. And that is where it, this looks like therapy. This is where we go in and we learn what did you, what are the paradigms you grew up in and what did you learn about what it means to be a good person? And what do you do with emotions? Because right there, what you just said about switching on Saturday into like, I'm just gonna be, if you don't have a enough personal work to know that that's an option, it doesn't ever happen. Right. And then the third part of the work that I do with people is relate. And this is, this to me is where like the rubber hits the road and this is where we learn a different language. Because if you know how to regulate yourself and be in that socially engaged place, you have reframes around what it means to be a good person and like how to be with your emotions and be in a relationship. The last part of it is how do you actually talk <laugh> to people?
Erin (15:19):
Yeah.
Jay (15:20):
Because if you're used to having the language of people pleasing and performing, it sounds different Yes. Than the language of relating as a whole person.
Erin (15:30):
And there's our word, there's our intention. Whole person. Whole person. I am so here for this Jay <laugh>. Like, it just, you know, when you need to hear stuff on a certain day today, that day, and it makes so much sense. And I love, so part of the thing I think about with this whole conversation is yes, I, I think I spent 40 years not having, this was like a therapy session for me. This is done. I'm hoping it resonates to the listeners. Yes. So, but it's like, I'm telling you this story because I hope it, it allows other people to follow suit. For 40 years, I did not understand my body. I I didn't understand when I had tent shoulders, when my neck was stiff, when my back was aching that I was stressed. I just kept plowing Right. And pleasing. Right.
Jay (16:23):
That was just how it was default.
Erin (16:25):
Yeah. And I was just like, okay, well, you know, she's whatever. And I just moved through it. I think as I became more aware, my own higher self myself, I, I now see those shifts in my physical self and I feel viscerally different. And so on Friday when I was having those people pleasing tendencies, my shoulders were aching and I was like, all right, she, something has to change. And I'm gonna tell you, I had so much, like once I grounded myself and I gave myself that reframe that you mentioned, and I had those tools and I know not everybody has those tools, but I have worked hard to develop them. The conversations that I had on Saturday, I have fake eyelashes, Jay, I lost like 20 fake eyelashes from tears. I was just, I was in it. I felt so grateful and present and happy and just, you're right. The words change. The actions change, right. Because our, we've shifted our thoughts, which shifted our at words, which shift our actions. And it just all feels so congruent and beautiful. And I love the work that you're doing.
Jay (17:34):
Oh, thank you. Thank you. I love that. You get it. I could feel it and you and I can see it in your face too. It's funny, like when I'm worth clients and they first show up and they've had a morning like you did. Yeah. There's like this, you know, the eyeballs are big and tense and then like slowly over time their cheeks soften and like the wrinkles go away in the face. And it's like, oh yeah. And I think what it is is like, it's, it's real connection, you know, it's connection with yourself and it's what you're saying. What happened for you on Saturday? Like there was a bad day for fake eyelashes because it was a good day for connecting. Yes. And like really feeling yourself be with other people and be felt like, and that's like mono from heaven and we don't get there very much because of our bodies, our nervous systems are heads.
Erin (18:27):
Yes. Oh my God, I love this. I could literally, like, I wanna just talk to you all day because I'm so here for all of this.