Episode 60: Overcoming Social Anxiety and Allowing Soft Skills to Be Your Super Power with Mark Metry
“Instead of spending time trying to find yourself, you should use that time to create yourself.” - Mark Metry
Failed it! Fam, we'd like to introduce you to our guest, Mark Metry. Mark is a Forbes featured keynote TEDx speaker, host of a global top 100 podcast, bestselling author, documentary series cast member. Once upon a time, he couldn't make direct eye contact with anyone and barely had friends, due to various issues like mental health, social anxiety, being a first generation immigrant, experiencing poverty, and more. Now, he dedicates his life to being of service to others by making an impact in the industries of mental health, careers and personal branding, speaking, and documentary filmmaking.
In today’s episode, Mark talks to us about:
Entrepreneurship at a young age
Overcoming social anxiety
Shifting negative thoughts and fine tuning them to positive, actionable steps forward
Links from show discussions:
About the Guest (in his words):. As a 23 year old, I've been featured on over 250+ podcasts and media like Forbes, Mindvalley, Influencive, Inc Magazine, Huffington Post, Fearless Motivation, Spartan and many others. My podcast, Humans 2.0. In total, my thoughts, views, podcasts, and videos have been viewed over 50+ Million times. My podcast hit #96 of the top podcasts in the world with Tim Ferriss, NPR, Lewis Howes & Gary Vaynerchuk. I am an international (virtual) speaker at conferences, schools, and Fortune 500’s delivering meaningful & transformative current edge applicable knowledge through speaking engagements, panels, host, MC, workshops, and more. I am a podcast strategist consulting funded start-ups, founders, entrepreneurs, creators and organizations to sustainably start, grow & brand build their way through the competition in the age of vanity metrics with marketing experience for over 13 years and accumulation of over 100M+ overall impressions. Over the past several years I have dedicated time to teaching professionals, entrepreneurs, and anyone who wants to learn how to optimize and maximize their LinkedIn results and teach a Linkedin Training 2.0: https://bit.ly/2RwZtYw
About the Host: Erin Diehl is the founder and Chief “Yes, And” officer of improve it! and host of the failed it! Podcast. She’s a performer, facilitator and professional risk-taker who lives by the mantra, “get comfortable with the uncomfortable.” Through a series of unrelated dares, Erin has created improve it!, a unique professional development company that pushes others to laugh, learn and grow. Her work with clients such as United Airlines, PepsiCo, Groupon, Deloitte, Motorola, Walgreens, and The Obama Foundation earned her the 2014 Chicago RedEye Big Idea Award and has nominated her for the 2015-2019 Chicago Innovations Award.
This graduate from Clemson University is a former experiential marketing and recruiting professional as well as a veteran improviser from the top improvisational training programs in Chicago, including The Second City, i.O. Theater, and The Annoyance Theatre.
When she is not playing pretend or facilitating, she enjoys running and beach dates with her husband and son, and their eight-pound toy poodle, BIGG Diehl.
You can follow the failed it! podcast on Instagram @learntoimproveit and facebook, and you can follow Erin personally on Instagram @keepinitrealdiehl here. You can also check out improve it! and how we can help your organization at www.learntoimproveit.com. We can’t wait to connect with you online!
Episode 60 Transcription
Mark (00:00):
Hey, Erin, do you mind giving me just one second? I'm sorry.
Erin (00:04):
This is good timing, Mark. Cause my foot fell asleep and I'm, I'm shaking my leg right now. Just so you know.
Mark (00:11):
Okay. I'm sorry. I'm back. I somebody just walked in my house.
Erin (00:14):
Oh, that's okay. That's okay. Okay. Wait. Hey failed it! Fam it's Erin here. And I guess you could say we failed it at keeping this episode clean. So if you've got little ones running around, grab some earmuffs. Now let's get into today's episode.
Erin (00:32):
Hey friend, are you a leader who is career-focused, goal-driven, and possess a life long learner mentality? Do you dream about achieving your goals and spend hours Googling how tos and gurus? Does a side-effect of your awesome, might I add, personality include perfectionism, the dreaded imposter syndrome and the ever-present fear of failure? Well, you've landed in the right place. We just became virtual BFFs. I'm Erin Diehl, the founder of the improv training company improve it! And a recovering perfectionist turned failfluencer. Inspired by the improv rule, there are no mistakes, only gifts, this podcast is the creative outlet you need to not only motivate you, but the people that you lead. Through interviews with corporate leaders, entrepreneurs, and even comedians, you'll walk away becoming a more empathetic boss by realizing that failure is a part of the journey and you must fail in order to improve in the scene of life. We all have our own unique gifts that we bring to the world and it is our mistakes that helped you unwrap them. Welcome to failed it!
Erin (01:52):
Hello failed it! Family. I am so honored to have today's guest on the show. I am thrilled to introduce you to my new friend, Mark Metry. Hello and welcome to failed it!
Mark (02:08):
Erin, thank you so much for having me. I don't think I've ever been on a podcast that's like embodied my life so much as yours. So thanks for having me.
Erin (02:17):
I mean, of course, no. When I, so just to give the failed it! Family a little back drop into how I found you, I found you through LinkedIn, which embodied a lot of thought leadership, but I just started finding your posts and I gravitated towards them. And I just find the work you do. Fascinating. I know our audience today is going to resonate so much with you. So let me tell them a little bit about you. Are you ready to feel all the feels and all the success, Mark? Are you ready for your bio?
Mark (02:50):
Honestly no, but we'll just go with it.
Erin (02:50):
Well, feel, feel so good about it because you have done so many things. So first of all, Mark Metry is a best-selling author of screw being shy, which is just the best title ever learn how to manage social anxiety and be yourself in front of anyone. He is also the host of the global top 100 podcast called humans 2.0 featured by Forbes, NASDAQ and Yahoo finance as the top 21 growing podcast, you must listen to you in 2019. Fun fact he has since changed the name of this show. We will talk about it and just a little bit. So Mark's show has been listened to over 10 million times, okay. That's insanity and features the greatest leaders of our time and frequently converses with billionaires professional athletes, Pulitzer prize, winning journalists and New York times bestselling authors exploring today's dynamic of the human experience and modern technological times of 2019.
Erin (03:55):
Okay, mark. So he's also the founder of grow casts at podcast acceleration network, teaching entrepreneurs, creators, and executives, how to start, manage and grow social movements by starting a podcast. Hello, we're here now. So Mark is an emcee at a TEDx keynote speaker, delivering mind blowing talks centered around human potential mindset, social anxiety, mental health transformation, and using podcasting and marketing to grow awareness and business. And it's spoken alongside Olympian gold medalist to fortune 500 executives. You know, you're really, I'm not going to lie. This is the listen to this bio field these fields will take them in. So he routinely consults and educates fortune 500 companies, conscious organizations, entrepreneurs, and startups on podcasting company, communication, marketing, and authentic branding. His story has been featured in three books. And again, he is the author of Screw being shy, which was released in March of 2020. He's also been a guest on over 200 plus podcasts, radio stations and television.
Erin (05:05):
And we are going to make this 201 plus I know there's probably been more since you wrote the smile, but we are so honored to have you on failed it. Welcome again, Mark.
Mark (05:17):
Erin, thank you so much for having me and I definitely have to give a raise to whoever wrote that bio for me.
Erin (05:22):
So it should be one of the billionaires you interview on that podcast. Boom, boom. Now let me ask you this, because that is quite the bio. First of all, I'm just intrigued by you and so many levels, but this is something that I like to start off with. What is a fun fact that we could not find out about you from that bio, from your LinkedIn, from your resume, if you even have a resume, what's something we wouldn't know about you from your professional profile.
Mark (05:53):
So I think one thing that comes to mind is in 2016, I basically started to learn how to cook for like the first time in my life. And I like read this book. It was a book by Tim Ferriss called the four hour chef. And I read that book and it completely changed my life. And now like every single day, maybe not everyday, but everyday I cook and that's a big part of, you know, different like lifestyle changes that I talked about. But it's also like kind of like a meditative experience. It's quite fun for me to cook and kind of use my senses and skills. Whereas I know for some people, you know, if they've been cooking all throughout their lives, it may not be that fun, but I'm like a chef. And actually during quarantine last year, there was a time where I was like, wait, what am I supposed to do with my life now? And there was a time where I was like, you know what, I'm going to write a cookbook.
Mark (06:49):
And I think I got like 15 recipes down and like I created this outline, but then it just, it's just somewhere in my, like my notes folder on my Google drive. Just maybe waiting to be done one day. And so, yeah, I mean, I'm a prolific cooker. I, a lot of my friends call me a chef. And so I, I'm a, I'm a great cook. I love it.
Erin (07:07):
Okay. You just inspired me because first of all, I love the four-hour workweek. I've never, I did not know he has a four hour cookbook. We're going to link to that in the show notes. My family would really appreciate me reading this book. I'm a mother of a two year old. I make a mean toast and that's about it. And I think a lot of people listening. Let me just ask this question. Number one, what's your favorite dish and number two, when you say for our cookbook, does that mean these are very easy, simple, like less than 30 minute meals. Talk to me just real quick about that. Just a, friend's asking a friend wants to know that friend is me.
Mark (07:49):
Yeah. So, so it's interesting. I think so favorite thing to cook? I'm a very simple guy. I think my favorite things that cook is like my favorite meal is probably steak with like mushrooms and asparagus and like roasted potatoes. So that's, that's it. And in terms of like the whole cookbook idea and all that stuff, you know, really for me, I looked at it from the perspective of time, because time is very limited resource. And you know, even though I like cooking, I'm not trying to spend an hour in the kitchen every day. And then also utility. Right. And so for me, I definitely love food, but if anything, I think for me, like I actually learned how to enjoy food more.
Mark (08:37):
The more I started to learn about like healthy eating and different like vitamins and fats and understanding like the biochemistry behind the food and, and behind its impact. And and I mean, I talk a lot about this, like on my podcast and my books and all that stuff. But one of the biggest reasons why is because I think when it comes to like changing what you eat or, or the food that you eat, oftentimes I feel like people, they look at it from like a very like negative, like a negative sort of removing approach of like, oh, if you want to be healthy, you know, you can't eat sugar, I'll remove this. You have to take out that you have to remove this. And for me, I just think it's a better approach to just add things and to understand like the utility and the function of certain foods and why we eat them.
Mark (09:30):
And so like the way that I was trying to structure this cookbook was basically to go over like the essential, different, like vitamins and nutrients and fats that your brain and your body needs to function properly. And then basically break those down into various recipes that can fulfill those needs. And so that was the angle that I took because I'm sort of like a nerd about that stuff. And I do like research and I try to understand it like all the time. So yeah, it's kind of funny, but.
Erin (09:58):
That is awesome. And I mean, truly I'm fascinated by nutrition and what makes us function at a higher rate. So, okay. You just sold Tim. Tell Timmy boy, you just sold another book for him. Okay. Amazon cart here I come. That is fascinating. And so cool. And I'm just, I love that this is something that we didn't know until I asked. So thank you for that. That's fun. That's fun fact. So, okay. We're going to get to failing this Mark because listen to that bio. It was insane. So correct me if I'm wrong. You're 24, right, right.
Mark (10:36):
23!
Erin (10:36):
Excuse me. Oh my God. Okay. Let me tell you something. I am an elder millennial, an elder and elder dead, dead, but you know, I have a scar, a side part, and skinny jeans for days now, but I am, I'm just blown away by what you've done in your 23 years on earth. And I know I, you know, I did some research. I've, I've looked up your timeline. I saw all those things that you list for us on your website. So if you, if you're wondering where to get this timeline from, this is where failed it! Family. We're going to link to his website in the show notes too, but you started off, you moved from Egypt to the United States with your parents in 1997 with only $200. You didn't speak English. And then at age seven, you won an art competition and became super entrepreneurial selling Pokemon cards. So you obviously have had a fascination with entrepreneurship. What fascinated you so much from such a young age?
Mark (11:41):
Yeah, that's a great question. And I think I have a different answer than, than most people. And it's funny because I remember when I was 19 years old I had started this company a different company, and I remember I was being interviewed by the Huffington post and like the reporter or the editor who was interviewing me for the story. He, he called me an entrepreneur. And it's so funny to think back on that. And I remember, I remember asking him, be like, wait, what does that mean? What does that mean to be an entrepreneur? And I remember like when that happens. And then also when I was in my college dorm room in like 2015, 16, and I remember stumbling across a random Facebook video by Gary Vaynerchuk by Gary V.
Mark (12:33):
I remember. And then plus that reporter, I remember that was like the first time where I actually realized that being an entrepreneur was a real thing. And I think for me, like all these things that I did from a very young age, whether it was like, you know, selling, flipping baseball, Pokemon cards, eventually going on the internet and starting like different websites and apps and YouTube channels. And I was like 13, 14, 15, 16, 17. I honestly had no idea what I was doing to be quite frank. And now that I look back at it, it's like, you know, for me, like I, I experienced really severe social anxiety and I didn't really have close friends that I could be open with. And so I think for me, part of my coping mechanism as a kid was actually just trying to do these things in sake of like connecting with other people.
Mark (13:25):
And so I was just sorta like subconsciously doing it and I never really understood it. And it's interesting because I remember when I was like 16, one of like my online websites that I had started, it started making me like six figures. And I remember at that time, just really being confused because I had come from an immigrant background. And a lot of the times the perspective, if, you know, if you're, if you can relate, the perspective is you can either become a doctor, a lawyer, an engineer, or a failure. And so I remember like doing all these different things, still being successful, but you know, getting terrible grades, not, you know, not playing any sports, not really having any friends. And so it was a very confusing time to be honest with you. And so I think I did a lot of those things. Not because it was cool, but just because I was curious and I honestly just didn't have a choice, you know, I was just trying to figure stuff out and, and make the best with what I had, you know?
Erin (14:23):
Yeah. I mean, wow, that's a lot, that's a lot, I mean, and truly you were successful to so many people, so many people listening to this are thinking, wow, if I had a six figure business, by the time I was 15, holy guacamole, you know, like I would be living my best life. And it seems like to where your parents were at and where you were coming from. It was, it was, it wasn't enough. Right. And I think that's sometimes a big thing that we all counter is. Am I enough? And I want to talk to that a little bit, because I know you had that YouTube channel, you had over 35,000 subscribers and you had a paying partnership with a network and this is all by you were 15, but then you mentioned you hit rock bottom.
Mark (15:14):
So what would you say caused that if you're open to chatting about it and then what did you learn as a result of that time? Yeah, totally. And you know, like I told you, I'm totally open to talk all about these things. And and you know, for me, like my personal perspective is like the only reason why I'm on social media and I do these podcasts is to elevate ideas that I think are more important than me and more meaningful. And so I'm all about talking about these things, because if we don't talk about them, then people don't know the information and if you don't know it, then you can't address it and you can move on. And so, you know, for me, when I was 16, you know, I was like, you know, had that six figure business. I was in high school at the time. And I ended up graduating. I went to college, I was about 18. And like all throughout that period, it was just very confusing because basically for me, I was like, Hey, and you know, growing up.
Erin (16:14):
Hey, who is this?
Mark (16:16):
It's actually an alarm. It's I have, I have like seven different alarms that go off on my phone every day that like, there's one at 3 33, which is now there's one at 4 44. And like, they remind me of different things.
Erin (16:29):
Do you have a mantra? There's there's no such thing as a mistake that was supposed to happen. That's what we believe here. So what, can you tell us the mantra? Was it a mantra?
Mark (16:37):
No, it wasn't a mantra. It was actually just a reminder saying, go drink green tea.
Erin (16:41):
Oh, okay. Okay. But it's kind of a mantra, like get, you know, put some good stuff in your body. Okay. Okay. Back to failing it. But I always loved that because things like that are supposed to happen. I needed to know you were a green tea drinker mark. So, okay. Go back to what was happening. You're 18. You are like a lot was going on. Talk to us about that. You were in school.
Mark (17:04):
Yeah. Yeah. And so, you know, when starting from about 16, when I had sort of made it financially it was just a very confusing time. And I, it wasn't clear to me at the time, but for me really what it was like, the main conflict that I had in my head was, you know, as someone who grew up poor my entire definition of success was based on making money. And I, you know, I had grown up in a small town that was largely pretty affluent except for me and my family.
Mark (17:37):
And so I had like a lot of like this unconscious conditioning of like, success is money. Success is money. Success is money. And I get it. I don't think obviously money is not a bad thing. Money is great. You need it to be very important. And so I remember when I was 16, 18, I was just very confused because I was like, wait, I made it, I have hundreds of thousands in my bank account, but yet I still kind of feel like the same loser, like literally nothing in my life has changed. And so it was a very confusing time. And so by the time I was about 18, another really interesting thing happened, which was, I actually realized for the first time in my life that I had social anxiety previously up to that point, I hadn't, you know, I had no idea what social anxiety, anxiety, depression, mental health.
Mark (18:22):
I had no idea what these things were. And so for me, I had always just thought like, oh, Marky, like, you're just, you're just like, I don't know, like, you're just like an antisocial you know, shy, quiet introvert who will just never be able to like be himself and always be uncomfortable in his own skin. And there's just like something wrong with you. I don't know. And so when I was 18, I realized that social anxiety was actually a real thing. And it was the first time where I got a different viewpoint on my condition. And it was, it was quite helpful by me realizing like, oh, wow, like it's not, you know, I stopped looking at my issues as sort of, you know, moral or character flaws. It's like, wow, I feel like you're so messed up. And this is why you are the way you were to like, oh, you know, this is, this is like mental health.
Mark (19:13):
This is like this is like a scientific phenomenon in your brain. This is like a glitch or like a bug or like a virus that's in your brain. And so when I understood that it was very helpful on some degree, but then also I was like, Hey, I have social anxiety, you know, what am I supposed to do about it? And so I remember trying to just like make friends and I remember trying to socialize and I remember the more I would try to socialize and the more I would try to talk to people, the more stressed out and actually the more I would fail. And I like, remember this, like it was yesterday. I was, I would be like in my college library or like in my cafeteria and be like, okay, mark, you're going to walk up to like one person and say hi or something.
Mark (19:58):
And then I would find the person, I try to walk up to them. But then next thing I knew my brain would just talk me out of it and it would shut me down and then I would just walk home and then I would just be like, wow, I guess I'm just going to be like this forever. And so eventually that sort of kept on going and really what happened was I just got depressed and I, I sort of lost all hope and faith for life. And I just started to think like, man, this is how I'm always going to be. And you know, all those dreams, all those things that I want to do deep down that maybe I, you know, I got a small glimpse of when I was younger, I'm never going to be able to do those things. And so I just kind of fell into what I was like the first time I got seriously depressed in my life.
Mark (20:41):
And I just stopped talking to people and I had, I had lifelong social anxiety, but then that transformed into sort of social isolation. And next thing I knew, I was trying to like deal with my emotions with food. Next thing I knew, I became like obese. I became seriously depressed. I couldn't fall asleep at night. I couldn't wake up in the morning. And really, I think the best way to describe it was it just kind of felt like my brain broke. And this was at the end of 2015. And that's where I sort of had like my rock bottom. And there was a period in there for about three to four weeks where it just, again, like, it truly felt like my brain was just broken, that I just started to contemplate, ending my own life. And I was like that for about a month and then some different things happened.
Mark (21:35):
And then after that, you know, I remember I ended up moving out of like my kind of college dorm room and I moved back home with my parents and I remember taking a trip back to Egypt and just like, I don't necessarily know what happened, but like something helped me reset my perspective. And I started to read books at that time too. I just started to get more curious. And I remember, you know, like in that summer of 2016, 2016, instead of like doing what I normally did during the summer times, which was basically just play video games all day and just eat food and then hang out with my friends at night and just get lit or do whatever I was like, you know what, let me just, let me just stop doing that and let me just do what I've always wanted to do and just learn.
Mark (22:26):
That's all I remember. I just spent the summer learning and I remember I took a trip back to Egypt to, with my family and I just started to learn, you know, more and more and more things. And so it was a very gradual process. It wasn't anything crazy, like, you know, me changing my life overnight, but it was just kind of experiencing that rock bottom and then just try my best to learn. And then it probably, it wasn't until I would say actually remember that exact date, November 16th, 2016, where I just sort of went all in and I said, you know what? I'm either going to like, take this whole mission that I'm doing seriously, or I'm just going to continue to put it off. I'm just going to continue to say, oh, whatever, I'll just do the easier thing now, or let me just do it later.
Mark (23:16):
And I would, and I knew that like, if I kept doing that, I would be, you know, eventually, you know, in a blink of an eye 30 years old. And just like one of those people that said, oh, I should have done this. I could have done that. I should have done this. And I had lived my life like that for so long, even though I only experienced this at like 18-19 of like me living for like a decade of just like not having friends of experiencing social anxiety where it truly felt like there were just two different lives that I was experiencing. There was this sort of fake identity that people saw me in, which was really just like a shell of who I thought they thought they wanted me to be. And then there was like the real me, who was always suppressed and trying to hide, which was just covered and controlled by fear his whole life. And so I just knew that if I wanted to get serious, if I want, if I need to like rewire my brain, if I need to restart my entire life, my worldview, I need to take this stuff seriously. And so that was, that was sort of like the transition that occurred.
Erin (24:21):
Oh my gosh Mark, first of all, thank you for sharing that story. I mean, I'm not going to lie to you. I ha there's so many cliche terms that podcasts per se, but I've really freaking had tears, man. It's like you vulnerably and eloquently just gave us that story. And I felt like that was there with you. I felt like you took us through that journey and wow, first of all, congrats on the realization and the learning and the work that you've put in, because now you have used this, this quote, unquote, I'm going to, it's not a fail, but we call it this is the failed it! Podcast. You have used this gift because we say there are no mistakes, only gifts in improv, right? I'm the founder of a company who does improv training. And one of the biggest fundamentals of improv is there are no mistakes, only gifts. So this was, it felt like I'm sure at the time, a really big weight on your shoulders and fail, but you turned it into a gift because now you are using this gift, quote, unquote, as a platform to help people who are shy really lean into themselves. And I know I told you this before, but the failed it! Family is made up of leaders in some shape or form. And I know that this is something that we all grapple with in corporate America as entrepreneurs. Heck I mean, comedians, let me just tell you, we all, we all, there's a reason why laughter is our scapegoat you know.
Erin (25:59):
Hey, failed it! Fam do you have what? The kids call zoom fatigue. Are you sick of walking on zoom and hearing things like, can you see my screen? Oh, you're muted. You're muted. Oh my gosh. I'm so sorry. I'm late. Are you working from home in your bedroom slippers and business mullet like me, which I'm talking about wearing a business top and yoga pants on the bottom? Feeling like it's Groundhog's day, every single day? Do you need some laughter, levity and fun in your Workday to change things up while remote? How about a laugh break? That's right. It's called laugh break and it's improve it!'s newest virtual offering lack break spring season Chicago and Charlotte based improvisers into virtual conference call for a little taste of short-form improvisation in each session. Improvisers engage on blight on the spot games based on your team. Laughter and suggestions. Now whether your team needs a quick 15 minutes of laughter or a more substantial 30 minute break improve it! Has got your back, you can go to www.learntoimproveit.com/laughbreak, or just click on the link in our show notes to book yours on demand today. Again, that's learntoimproveit.com/laughbreak. Get ready to sit back, relax and grab some giggles because we could all use a little laugh break right now. See ya on the zoom.
Erin (27:31):
Let me say this. If you could say one thing to somebody listening today who is dealing and grappling with self-confidence, they have so much self doubt and they really aren't really harnessing the power of who they are. What would that one piece of advice be?
Mark (27:48):
It's a great, great question. I would say generally speaking, I would say stop fighting yourself and fight for yourself. And I think the biggest thing that I've learned is generally speaking, like life will, life will mess you up. Life will take you for a whirlwind really then whatever happens to you, we internalize that as humans and it really becomes us. And so the biggest thing that I've learned is like so many people, including myself once upon a time and I still do it today, but so many people are using like so much of their energy to constantly take themselves down rather than, you know, instead of fighting yourself, like fight against, you know, whatever you think is like injustice in the world.
Mark (28:43):
And for me, like when I picked up that philosophy, that's where you really become like a friend to yourself. That's where really you start looking at yourself as if you and your brain and your mind and you know, your spirit, whatever you guys are all on the same team. And I think a lot of us haven't done like the inventory, checking stock in ourselves to like, make sure that like we're all on the same page with like our brain and our mind. And we're taking that and we're fighting against the things that are worth to be fought over. Not necessarily just fighting ourselves. And if you can pick that up and that mentality, like, like I promise you, there's nothing that you can't do.
Erin (29:28):
Yeah. It's almost like being whole with your mind, your body, your spirit, all of those things, just connecting to your whole self. Is that what you're, what you would say?
Mark (29:39):
Well, you know, it's interesting because like I remember one of the things for me that was like an epiphany when I was at my rock bottom was I remember I would basically like the way that I contemplated taking my own life was I, you know, I live in Boston and I, you know, I remember I was living at the time in this place where let's just say the neighboring city just wasn't that nice. Like there was a lot of crime, a lot of shootings, muggings, things like that. And I remember one of the things that I would do is I would go for a walk at night in those bad areas. And I would just imagine someone walking up to me and, you know, trying to mug me, trying to kill me. And I remember on one of those nights when I would go for like these long walks, I remember just hearing just like pure silence.
Mark (30:23):
And so I'm walking and this kind of eerie sense of silence makes me look up. And when I look up, I sort of hear like this whisper, this like mini voice. And I remember when that happened, it freaked the hell out of me. And I was like, wait, wait, wait, what? Like what just happened? Who just, who just said what? It really just confused me in a very surprising way. And I think for me, like when I look back at that two things and the two reasons why I mentioned the story, number one is when that happened, that gave me an experience that I had never experienced before. And I was just so entranced in these patterns and in these habits that all of a sudden, when something new like that happen, it almost kind of shook me out of the habit loop. It shook me out of the trance that my mind was involved in.
Mark (31:15):
And then the second reason why I'm mentioning this is because looking back at it now, I remember like that voice that I heard, wasn't a nice voice. And what I mean by that was, you know, going back to like, when I think it's like, why was I so depressed? Why was I so anxious? I actually found out that basically like my brain growing up and facing different things, whether it was facing like racial profiling facing poverty, being bullied experiencing different things like that. What I basically realized is that my brain had picked up those phrases, those sentences from the people who use them against me when I was a kid and now my brain was repeating them to me in my own voice. And so when I sort of experienced that moment in the silent night, that's what I realized.
Mark (32:21):
I was like, wait, that voice didn't necessarily come from me. And so it just made me to start to dig a bit deeper. And it really just made me realize that a lot of the times, these different voices that we have, that, you know, whether they are literal voices. And again, I'm not saying these are literal voices, but like whether they're more of less emotions or just sort of thoughts that we have in our head, I can guarantee you that as long as you're not doing anything wrong, quote unquote, I can guarantee you if you have a, you know, a voice and an audible voice or a thought in your head that brings you down and is negative. I promise you that did not come from you. I promise me that came from an early experience when you were a kid. And now that I understand, you know, I've been learning more about child psychology and just psychology in general.
Mark (33:10):
It turns out the average person has 60,000 thoughts a day on average and 85% of these thoughts are identical from the day before. And so for me, it was just sort of realizing that my brain was just sort of running this program. It was just sort of running this script based on how I thought of myself when I was a kid, when I didn't have much information versus how I actually sort of you know, emerge as like an identity as an adults in the world. And so when I realized that that was like a big, big epiphany that just made me made it easier to like love myself, it made it easier to do those things because I realized that a lot of that negativity just wasn't mine. Yeah. And I can explain more about how I found that out and things like that, but that's like the general statement.
Erin (34:05):
No, it's fascinating. And I think I'm just sitting here nodding my head to so many things that you're saying, because I know so many people can relate. I have a personal story that I'm sitting here going, okay. That makes sense as you're talking, because it's so true. And I do think there are voices. I agree with you on the voices, but I think the negative ones are based off of other people, but if we can listen also and get really still and listen to those internal voices inside of us, which I feel like, and correct me if I'm wrong, mark, but there was another there's other voices inside of you that you have pulled from because you have done so much. I mean, you had to dig really deep and you've created a book. You've created a podcast. You've been on Ted talks, you've done so much.
Erin (34:59):
And I saw an Instagram post. So after I found you on LinkedIn, I was like, let me go on this Instagram, check this out. So I saw something that you really, that you wrote that resonated with me because as a leader, as an entrepreneur, as somebody who is constantly creating, I think it's easy to let those other voices in our head. That's the self-doubt that's from people that have been in our lives are things that we think people may be thinking of us, but in order to do what you have done, you've had to find the real voice of, and you've done it because look at what you've created. And I saw this post that you wrote, which I want to, I'm going to totally botch, but it had this, it had this sort of theme to it about becoming an author, a speaker, et cetera.
Erin (35:54):
And it was about making that time to fine tune that muscle. So it was all about, you know, that time that you spend binge watching Netflix, I'm totally botching this, but what I, what I really loved about it was that you have, I think, found a different voice inside of you. And instead of allowing the negative voice to control you, you've leaned into that positive voice and you've used it to create. So what would you tell somebody who has aspirations of doing what you've done, becoming an author, becoming a speaker about fine tuning that muscle to lean into that inner voice, the positive inner voice.
Mark (36:36):
Yeah. And I think, I think the post was about I think the caption was, was you don't have time to chase your dreams because your mind is too busy, running away from your fears. And I, I, you know, I talked about all these different things, but you know, first off I love the question. And so what I would say is, I think it's two pieces. I think, I think there's like the way that I would explain this as they're sort of like the diamond that is inside of you, that is like, you know, you know, you have to go down in the caves and you have to find it and, and, you know, dig it up and keep digging. That's already inside of you. And I, I sort of liken that to, you know, sort of like your inner child who, you know, who I was as a kid, before my traumatic experiences, when life was great. You know, my, my parents also taught me a lot, you know, I believe in God, different things like that. And then there's, I think there's another part of it, which is I think this quote embodies that. And it's, you know, instead of something like, instead of spending time trying to find yourself, you should use that time to create yourself.
Mark (37:51):
And that for me is something of like, like I really had to like literally every single day. And of course I'm, I'm a human, I mess up. Sometimes I've gotta, like every single day had to like wake up in the morning and like meditate and write down my thoughts and journal and exercise and spend time with new people and completely changed my world view and really just change everything. And I say that because what I've learned is like, you can, you can actually design your own mind. And a lot of the times your mind has already been designed, but it's been designed by sort of just, you know, human nature and then your past. And so there's a lot different tools that you can use to redesign your mind. If you had to ask me, I would probably say meditation, you know, coupled with some kind of like a journaling exercise, writing exercise.
Mark (38:48):
And I think those things I have really used, like on a daily basis to just craft my own voice. And what's interesting is like the more and more that you're able to do that, the more and more, it just clicks in more with yourself. And when that happens, you just began, you just begin to gain more confidence in who you are. And that is like the real definition of what I think like self-esteem is. Right. And I think a lot of times as humans, we like look at our lack of self-confidence or a lack of self-esteem and then we're like, oh, we have to do something about this. Right. And so it's like, Hey, let me become the best comedian in the world. Let me become the best podcast or in the world as a way to like, sort of get validation. And that's cool and everything, like, we all need validation as humans, you can't run away or you can't escape from it, but it's also like asking yourself, like at a deep foundational level, like who you are without those things.
Mark (39:53):
Right. And I remember for me, like when I was 16, there was a part of me that was like getting a little bit more confident. That was just based off the sort of money that I was making. And it wasn't real confidence. So it wasn't having a real sense of self-esteem. It was what I would call like fake confidence. And so what I've learned is like, when you're able to sit with yourself stillness and do things like mindfulness, meditation, transcendental meditation different like journaling exercises. I actually wrote an article that people can find on my newsletter. I called six ways to reprogram your mind, that talks all about this. And so when you're able to do that stuff consistently, you just start to like consciously create yourself. And again, like I still have problems. I still have stresses. I still have problems. My life is imperfect, but it's like one day you just wake up like five years later, like I am on your journey.
Mark (40:45):
And you're like, oh. Like, like my life is exponentially better. Like a lot of the problems that I used to have don't really bother me anymore. I'm able to do X, Y, and Z. People are telling me this now. And you really just kind of like step into who you're supposed to be. But part of that is trying to consciously create that every day, which is like an adventure, like you don't know. But then the other part of that is like, uncovering like all the, all the crap that, that you've put on yourself from your past. And so I would say those two sort of sides of that coin is like the best path that people can take to do that. Yeah. Do you like this? This is this is the choir. Yeah. Okay. That is for real. I will say, let me say, we have a ton of show.
Mark (41:35):
We have a ton of guests on this show. We have a ton of shows. We have one show and a lot of episodes. And I think that that muscle that you are you're discussing has to come from that space within. And you're so right. Every single person that I've asked this question to, they dig so deep and journaling meditation exercise. That is all part of that muscle. It's like making the muscle work. And I can feel that from you, you have stepped into yourself, mark, and you are shining light for so many people. That's how I found you because you're shining your light.
Mark (42:10):
Thank you, Erin. Thanks Erin. I appreciate it.
Erin (42:13):
You're welcome. And I think a lot of people here today, listening can relate to some of the things that you're talking about. We all have self doubt, but the vulnerability that you've given us and the opportunity to share that story will hit home for so many people. I want you to know that I can count five people who I know who I'm going to send this episode to you to say, listen to this. And I really want you to know that what you're doing matters. It's so important. So thank you for sharing what we call the failed it story. I have some fun questions for you real quick to wrap it up. So what did you fail at today? Mark? What did you feel it today?
Mark (42:56):
Oh man. What do I feel like today? I mean, to be honest with you, like, I mean, I shouldn't talked about since the beginning, but like, I feel like I live my life as a failure that now the whole concept of fear is just like a, it's like a muscle for me or failure. Excuse me. It's just like a muscle. It's just like, like for example, like I was about to list like three different things of like, oh, I didn't do this. Oh, I messed up on this. But honestly I know those aren't failures. And so, and so for me, it's just like, I don't really view it that way. It's just like what works in progress. And we can always Google knows, go for it. But if I had to say one thing, I try to go for a run today and I only could run for about 10 minutes.
Erin (43:40):
That's a lesson learned your body was saying, I need a minute. You needed to just give it a break. So that's okay. But now, okay, mark. This is, this is where the real muscle test comes in. There's a little bit of improv in this next thing I'm going to have you do. It's called the fail yeah lightning round. You're going to be great. Every time I say it, people are like, no, you're going to nail it. So it's a little bit of improv, a little bit of thinking quickly on your feet, but I'm going to ask you a series of questions and you have to respond as fast as you can with only one word answers and know this is failed it, you can't fail. These are gifts, but if you say more than one word, I'm going to give you a fail. Yeah. Yeah. That's okay. It's like a weird voice, like fail yeah. Okay. Are you ready for the failure? Lightning round mark. Okay. One word to describe your early career.
Mark (44:34):
Nerd.
Erin (44:37):
Best work ever received. Okay. One word to describe where you're currently at in your career.
Mark (44:43):
Fulfilled.
Erin (44:45):
One word to describe your future self.
Mark (44:46):
Warrior.
Erin (44:49):
One word to describe your favorite boss.
Mark (44:52):
Mentor.
Erin (44:54):
That's good. That's good. Okay. I don't know it. Wasn't a part of it, but I'm going to give it to you. I'm gonna give to you. Okay. One word to describe your least favorite boss.
Mark (45:02):
People I don't people I try my best not to talk to.
Erin (45:07):
Fail. Yeah. Okay. One word to describe your speaking style.
Mark (45:12):
Authentic.
Erin (45:13):
One word to describe your writing style.
Mark (45:16):
Someone reshared my article yesterday on LinkedIn. And I'm just, I'm just gonna copy them. They said assertive.
Erin (45:23):
Fail yeah mark. Okay. And one word to describe this interview.
Mark (45:32):
Very, very fun. And a future inspiration for me to do stand up comedy one day fail. Yeah.
Erin (45:39):
Oh my God. Mark. That is amazing golf claps. Golf claps to you. Woo. Okay. Tell the failed it! Family, how they can find you on all the things.
Mark (45:51):
The best place is to, if you go to my website, which is my first and last name.com, M a R K M E T R y.com. There'll be a box where you can put in your email and you will be automatically subscribed to my email newsletter where I promise to never send you announcements or sales stuff. I will only send you educational, informational articles, all about mental health anxiety, being an introvert, the journey, all that stuff. And thank you Erin, for having me. This was so fun.
Erin (46:24):
Of course, we will link to that in the show notes. And I just want to tell you, mark, we are grateful to have you. We have so much to learn and we have so much gratitude for the work that you are putting out into the world. And I'm gonna tell you this, I'm not shy and telling you, you rock my friend. So thank you again for being here and to the failed it! Fam fail. Yeah. Fail frickin. Yeah. Hey friends.
Erin (46:53):
Thanks for tuning into failed it. I am so happy you were along for the ride. If you enjoyed this show, please head on over to iTunes, leave us a five star review and subscribe to the show. So you never miss an episode. New episodes drop every Wednesday. Now, if you're really feeling today's show, please take a screenshot and tag me on Instagram at keepingitrealdiehl and share it to your stories. So we can bring more people to the failed at family. I'll see you next week, but I want to leave you with this thought, what will you fail at today and how will that help your future successful self? Think about it. I'm so proud of you and you are totally failing it. See you next time.