Episode 155: How Self-Love Will Make You a Better Leader with Heather Vickery
What happens when you don’t treat yourself with kindness before trying to be kind to others?
You’re hurt. You stay small. You allow yourself to be hurt more often by others because you don’t value yourself. You lack a sense of worthiness.
You are not as kind as you’d like to be or maybe as you think you are towards other people around you, because when you cannot be kind to yourself, you don’t have the foundation to be kind to other people.
You burnout. You don’t have the energy resources to give to other people you may really, deeply want to because your cup is empty.
Kindness is an inside job that eventually overflows into how you show up for others. Listen as Erin and Heather give you the how-to on living a kinder, braver life starting with the small things (that really aren’t small).
ICYMI – Your Post-Episode Homework: Think about the percentage that you are going to give to yourself today. How are you going to show up for you in this moment? Is it 10%? Is it 50%? Are you going to give one hundred percent today? Make that decision. And then I want you to actually give that percentage to yourself at the end of the day.
At the end of the day, reflect: did I give myself what I promised myself? And if you did, find some way to celebrate. Maybe it's a bubble bath. Maybe it's one of those masks that you put on your face that make you look like Jason from those Halloween movies that are actually doing great things for your pores. I don't know. Do something that makes you feel good because you deserve it.
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Erin Diehl is the founder and Chief “Yes, And” officer of improve it! and host of the improve it! Podcast. She’s a performer, facilitator and professional risk-taker who lives by the mantra, “get comfortable with the uncomfortable.” Through a series of unrelated dares, Erin has created improve it!, a unique professional development company that pushes others to laugh, learn and grow. Her work with clients such as United Airlines, PepsiCo, Groupon, Deloitte, Motorola, Walgreens, and The Obama Foundation earned her the 2014 Chicago RedEye Big Idea Award and has nominated her for the 2015-2019 Chicago Innovations Award.
This graduate from Clemson University is a former experiential marketing and recruiting professional as well as a veteran improviser from the top improvisational training programs in Chicago, including The Second City, i.O. Theater, and The Annoyance Theatre.
When she is not playing pretend or facilitating, she enjoys running and beach dates with her husband and son, and their eight-pound toy poodle, BIGG Diehl.
You can follow the failed it! podcast on Instagram @learntoimproveit and facebook, and you can follow Erin personally on Instagram @keepinitrealdiehl here. You can also check out improve it! and how we can help your organization at www.learntoimproveit.com. We can’t wait to connect with you online!
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Episode 155 Transcription
Erin (00:00):
Welcome to the Improve It Podcast!
Erin (00:11):
The Improve It Peeps. We are picking back up with our conversation with the one, the only, Heather Vickery, today's episode is so fantastic, and if you didn't listen to the episode before this episode 154, please check it out. You're gonna hear an incredible story from Heather of her own story with bravery. And today we are getting into this concept of really liking and trusting yourself, how to do it, how to make brave leaps, how to like, and trust yourself as you are in this moment. So let's get back into this conversation again. If you missed episode 1 54 of the Improvement Podcast with Heather Victory, check that out. Here is part two. So you went from this picture perfect life to a life that you had imagined but didn't know how to get to, and through that you found this through line of self-love. So how does somebody accomplish self-love? How would you say in your opinion, one gets to self-love?
Heather (01:21):
Yeah. Oh my goodness. What a big question. And I, I did hear you say, and it, and it makes me so filled with joy to hear you say it, liking and trusting myself. After almost 10 years of coaching and on the 18 years of event ownership of event planning, ownership above that, I finally, this past December, in this moment of ahas thought that's what I help clients do. I help them learn to like, and trust themselves as this version of them so that they can do all of the things that they dream and desire and what their soul is here to do and what their purpose is. Because we often think we're gonna like and trust ourselves when we get there. Yeah. And we're not gonna like, and trust ourselves when we get there. If we can't like, and trust ourselves right here and right now.
Heather (02:15):
We can't do incredible badass things unless we can build from what's already working and what's already good. And that is a core, core, core of what I help people do. And that's, that's the foundation of self-love, right? Is liking and trusting yourself. I have a, a certification in positive psychology and I love it and I'm grateful for it. But we're not talking about toxic positivity here. I am not here to pretend that some things do not suck, that we don't have negative feelings. What I'm here to help people do is understand that alongside all of the things that might suck, there's also probably something good. And you can hold onto that and you can build off of that. And, you know, self-compassion work, if you're, if you're not following Kristen enough, y'all should, she's amazing. Oh my God. She's like the queen of, of self-compassion. And what she teaches is to welcome all of your thoughts and feelings and emotions without judgment to just look at them and say, Hmm, this is making me feel really angry or really frustrated or really bitter. Why? What is that? And do I want that? Or do I wanna shift something and do something different?
Erin (03:33):
Oh my God, I love that because it, it goes back to this methodology in improv, which is yes, and which is yep. Postponing judgment, right? And allowing for everyone in the room to be seen and all voices to be heard. But with our, within ourselves, we have to start here in order to do that outwardly. And I love this idea. Who is the person you said Kristen f
Heather (03:58):
Kristen Neff. Yeah, Neff. Okay. So she is literally N E F F. She is literally the scientist that created, or she didn't create self-compassion, but she's the one that did the research to show us how self-compassion can change our lives. So here's just a little interesting tidbit about that. What she was able to prove scientifically is that our minds do not know the difference between somebody else giving us compassion and us giving ourself compassion. It doesn't know the difference between somebody else touching us and us touching us. So compassionate self touch. So there's lots of exercises she has us do. And the thing is, we feel really weird when we do them. It feels so weird and so uncomfortable. We're doing them right now in the incubator, which is my group coaching 16 week group coaching experience that we do twice a year. And I'm like, you guys are gonna feel like such weirdos, but do it anyway. And that's with the brave method, with gratitude, with self-compassion, with all of it. It works. And I don't necessarily even need you to believe that it works, as long as you're willing to try it, because it works so well that the results will show up for you as long as you're doing it. Even if you're like, well, this is dumb, but I guess I'll do it anyway.
Erin (05:14):
Yeah. And no, I lo because you and I spoke on your show about my own journey to self-love, and I gotta tell you, it's a different life. It's a better life. Yeah. It's, and I wanna hear, you know, well, we won't spoil it. You gotta listen to Heather's show. But I wanna talk about your opinion on this because self-love helps you show up as a better parent, as a better leader, as a better friend. Insert adjective here. So how have you seen, since you have gone through this bravery journey yourself, how have you seen this compassion that you've given yourself show up in those relationships?
Heather (05:55):
Yeah, that's a great question. I think the way for me, and this is, and and full disclosure, 2022 was probably the hardest year of my life. And it was totally personal. It was all about some something specific happening in my personal life. It brought me all the way down to my knees and I laid there for a while until, and I joke, my word of the year this year is surrender. My word of the year last year was peace. And I laugh and I was like, the universe was like, oh, there will be no peace for you until you surrender. And it just beat me and beat me and beat me until I was like, fine, fine. Okay. I don't have the control. I can't fix this. I have to surrender. And as soon as I did that, <laugh>, things started to get better. Right? Amazing.
Erin (06:46):
Oh, hey man, there is a choir. Hold on. Hey man. Man. Yes. Keep going. Okay. Sorry. We needed that choir break. Okay.
Heather (06:58):
It's the way that I have seen my self-love show up with the people around me, my loved ones, my clients, everyone, is that when I choose to not take it personally, to slow down, to access my emotions and feelings without judgment I do that out loud and people see me do that. And it gives them permission to do the same with my children. It allows me to, most of the time, cuz it feels like the rules are easy to apply with client and work and even partners, but hard to apply with kids to step out and say, this is not about me. This is not a judgment on me. So I'm loving myself and by doing that, I'm giving them space to figure their own out. And I'm here and I love you and we can talk through it if and when you're ready or I'm gonna be over here.
Heather (07:53):
Right. But you're safe Yes. To feel all the things you're feeling. So teaching them to self-love by loving myself and giving them space and grace to do that. And it's the same with clients. I mean, I push clients in different ways cuz they pay me to, that's my job in ways that you can't do with kids because you can't coach your kids. Yeah. Yeah. You can parent your kids, but you have to know when to do what Anyway. To say, just to share my truth, when I'm struggling, I'm really honest with my clients about it. When I'm celebrating, I'm really honest with my clients about it. I do the same things that I'm asking them to do. And I feel like that's like a magic key. Like I, I'm not up here on high telling you how to behave, to lead a life of abundance or to be as successful as possible.
Heather (08:44):
Because I have it all figured out. I'm doing these things, I'm checking off the checkbox and we're all doing it together. And I might be doing it in a different way than you and I might have been doing, doing it longer than you. But we are all in this. And some days are amazing and some days are not amazing and it's all okay. And if we can acknowledge it and forgive ourselves for whatever it is, it's you know, the breakdown method, something I'm really passionate about is, you know, oh, what went wrong? This thing was bad. I'm gonna take responsibility for my part of that thing and I'm gonna forgive myself and others if I need to. I'm gonna make a new plan and I'm gonna get it up and I'm gonna do it again. And I do that out loud.
Erin (09:25):
Yeah. Oh my God, I love it. Because you're showing, you're not telling, right. You're giving the example, you're walking the walk, not just talking in the talk. And that is truly when you see someone who, you know, has transformed and evolved, you're, cuz I'll say this for free. No, but this is not sponsored
Heather (09:47):
<Laugh>.
Erin (09:50):
I can't
Heather (09:51):
Free content coming.
Erin (09:52):
Yeah. Here it's I, there were many people in my industry who I looked to who had evolved, right? Who I saw walk in the walk before I had actually taken the journey myself before I had three, you know, three steps in. And I was like, man, that looks really, looks like an awesome place.
Erin (10:14):
And sometimes there was some comparisonitis cuz I wanted to get to that place, right? But then when you get to that, once you figure it out, and every journey for every single person listening here today is so completely different. But when you finally make the brave leap, I'm just staring at that book behind you, Heather <laugh>, when you know, and you find this, this journey to self-love, you can't fake it. Like there's no, you are truly in your authentic self, which I think is so awesome. And I have a question that I wanna ask you about this. What is the opposite of this look like? What do you see happen when you don't lean into your authentic self and give yourself compassion? What are some of the things that you've seen?
Heather (11:03):
Yeah, it's a really big question. Yeah. But I literally have been there. So when I tell you this, it's not what I think happens. It's what I know happens. We're hurt. We stay small. We allow ourselves to be hurt more often by others because we don't value ourselves. We lack a sense of worthiness. We are not as kind as we would like to be. Or maybe even as we think we are towards other people around us. Because when you cannot be kind to yourself, you don't have the foundation to be kind to other people, we burn out. We don't have the energy resources to give to other people that we may really deeply want to do because our cup is empty.
Erin (11:46):
Yes.
Heather (11:47):
Yes. A and these things are very simple. That does not make them easy. They're very simple. You have to decide you want to. And I really urge everyone to just little bits at a time, break it down into really, really small things. Dip your toe in and then dip the second toe in and Right. Go slowly. One of my favorite, favorite favorite things is to say that if all you have to give is 15% and you give 15%, that's a hundred percent.
Erin (12:23):
Hmm.
Heather (12:24):
And some days we have a full hundred percent to give. And some days we have five. And be honest with yourself and do the best you can there and love yourself through it. And you will show up so much better for everyone else in your life. And that we have to grow. If success is something you desire, any kind of success, marriage, family, business, anything you have to build from that. Hmm.
Erin (12:50):
I love this. Oh my god, I love this so much. And I think that is so powerful. So you're saying give what percent that you figure out what percent it is that you can give and give that percent and that is enough
Heather (13:02):
And that is enough. And, and say to yourself, this is what I've got today and this is enough. I am enough.
Erin (13:10):
Oh my God. Yes.
Heather (13:11):
We'll do it again differently tomorrow. Yes. Right. One of my clients. So in case he happens to listen, shout out to bj, I love you for saying this to me all these years ago. Every day is a Tuesday,
Erin (13:23):
Tuesday, Tuesday.
Heather (13:25):
Yes.
Erin (13:25):
You
Heather (13:25):
Get to choose who and how and what you are going to be, what is acceptable, what is not acceptable every day. And even more than that, every hour you can blow it and eat a pin of ice cream one minute and, and go, that's what I chose. And then the next day, eat all vegetables. You get to do what you want. It doesn't mean your diet is blown. You get to
Erin (13:47):
Choose. Yes. Thank you bj. We love you bj. We need, I know. Does BJ have a wanna come on this show? Cuz that was, that was, I'm gonna quote. Oh,
Heather (13:55):
You, I'm happy to be just a confidence coach. I would be happy to
Erin (13:57):
Introduce you. He's so much fun. Yay. We love that. That is amazing <laugh>. Because also that brings into this idea gratitude, which I know you're passionate about. Then the power of it. And when we talk about this idea of bravery, self-love with that has to come this idea of gratitude and choosing posit. And it's not toxic positivity, choosing genuine, authentic choices. Yes. That reframe the negative attack thoughts and the judgment.
Erin (14:37):
Okay. That was incredible. And I love this concept that we talked about today about welcoming all of your thoughts and feelings without judgment. It is that concept of yes. And we talked about surrender and how you can, can show yourself more self-love. And I loved this concept. Heather told us about giving our what percent we could give that day. If it's 15%, give 15%. If it's 5%, give 5%. But celebrate the percent that you can give. Celebrating those small successes will lead to huge results. So here's your homework. I want you to think about the percentage that you are going to give to yourself today. How are you gonna show up for you in this moment? Is it 10%? Is it 50%? Are you gonna give a hundred percent today? Make that decision. And then I want you to actually give that percentage to yourself at the end of the day.
Erin (15:36):
Reflect, did I give myself what I promised myself? And if you did find some way to celebrate, maybe it's a bubble bath. Maybe it's one of those masks that you put on your face that make you look like Jason from those Halloween movies that are actually doing great things for your pores. I don't know. Do something that makes you feel good because you deserve it. Improve it. Peep. Stay tuned. We've got another episode with Heather coming up. As always, you know what I'm gonna say? I want you to keep failing, keep improving because this world, oh my gosh, it needs that special It that only you can bring. I'll see you soon. Hey friend, did you enjoy today's show? If so, head on over to iTunes to rate and subscribe. So you never miss an episode. Now, did I mention that when you leave a five star review of the Improve It podcast, an actual team of humans does a happy dance? Mm-Hmm. <affirmative>. That's right. So leave a review for us on iTunes, screenshot it and send me an email at info learn to improve it.com. I'll send you a personalized video back as a thank you. Thanks so much for listening. Improve It Peeps. I'll see you next Wednesday.